My Journey
Loneliness
Loneliness
Last night I realised that this is the longest time in 29 years that I haven’t seen Claire. She died 2 weeks ago and the first year we were going out with each other, she was 15 and I was 16, our parents ‘dragged’ us on our family holiday for a fortnight and we didn’t see each other – that’s been the only time we were apart for this long.
We didn’t live with each other before we were married, and so, since the 22nd June 1991 when we got back from our honeymoon we haven’t spent more than 6 days apart and we’ve spoken everyday for those last 22 years.
Yes, I guess today I feel a little lonely.
Now here are my thoughts about loneliness:
- Loneliness is a ‘label’ which has no definite meaning
- Because it has no definite meaning it means different things to different people
- Because it means different things to different people it can never be defined
- Because it can not be defined, what is it anyway and does it even exist?
I can give how I feel a label, I can call it ‘lonely’ if I like but I won’ t let it define me. If I label myself as ‘lonely’ then people will feel a need to respond in a certain way… dependant upon THEIR idea of what that label means. If I label myself as lonely I might start acting that way even more, and so it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.
So I’m not ‘lonely’ I just want to talk to Claire. I want to hold her again.
What does holding her get for me?
I guess it helps me relax, feel warm inside, feel at peace. And if I close my eyes and take myself back to a time when I was holding her I can still feel that peace, relaxation and warmth.
Thank you Claire, you’re still with me. I love you.
Is The Present Tense Right?
Is The Present Tense Right?
last night was really tough. The kids didn’t want Claire to be at the funeral in just a gown, they wanted her to be clothed in her own clothes and wearing her jewellery – so we spent the evening finding something appropriate that they were all happy with.
At the end of it, whilst it was just a pile of clothes, jewellery, her glasses and a watch, it seemed all too real. It seemed as though we had tried to reconstruct Claire in a very personal way.
The part I found the hardest was that each of the 4 kids have written a letter to their Mum that they want to read out at the funeral on Friday, they all made me cry. But what really made me cry was that they wanted a copy of those letters to go in the casket with Claire as their final notes to her, preferably clasped in her hands – oh man did I blub!
The one and only reason I’m writing this down is to resolve it in my mind. To articulate it and make sense of it.
It’s not the loss of Claire that got me last night, it was the love that the kids were showing – a motherly love that can no longer be requited.
We talked about whether they should phrase their tribute in the past or present tense. ” I loved my Mum” seems like it has stopped, and it hasn’t.
We also realised that their mother is not the flesh and bones in that casket, Claire was more than that – she was WAY more than that – no really, Claire was way, way, way more than just flesh and bones – she truly touched out hearts.
And ALL that she was still IS and can never die – the present tense is absolutely right – they love her, she IS their Mum and she DOES live on in our hearts.
A day of firsts
A day of firsts
Each Sunday morning Claire and I used to have a Lavazza Late made in our espresso machine – this Sunday was the first Sunday I’ve made only 1 coffee.
Last night I woke up cold in bed, it was the first night I’ve done that as we used to cuddle up to each other if we were cold.
Yesterday I cooked a Sunday roast, it was the first time I’ve ever cooked one and Claire not be there.
A day of firsts.
I know we are going to experience this a lot, especially during the first year as anniversaries, Christmas and birthdays come round – so I have a choice.
I can either dread each first and curl up in a corner, or I can become stronger knowing that we never have to go through that particular first again and we’ve overcome another small but significant challenge.
Claire was one of life’s copers. She just got on with stuff and we often talked about the problems we encountered with the kids (those that know us well will know what we are talking about) – she always said to me:
“Mark, what can you change and what can’t you change? Now only focus on changing what you can and accept the things you can’t” – what great advice my sweet.
So I’m going to listen to Claire because she was always right, I’m choosing to live by her example with her as my inspiration – I can’t change that she’s gone, but I can change how I react to my ‘day of firsts’.
Thank you dear, you’ve inspired me once again. I love you.
Erasing the Past
Erasing the Past
After registering Claire’s death on Friday and arranging the funeral I’ve now had to inform the authorities via the government’s ‘Tell Us Once’ service. The registrar said it would be the quickest and easiest way to let libraries, passport, HMRC, DVLC etc know – and then to amend their records – and indeed it was easy, from a practical point of view at least.
It took me about 10 minutes to erase Claire from the ‘system’.
It was horrible, it seemed as though with every page I clicked through to I was slowly erasing all traces of Claire – Passport, erased. Library card – erased. Drivers licence – erased.
Somehow it was TOO easy, you can’t ERASE someone with a few clicks of the mouse – and yet in today’s world that’s what it has come down to.
Click – Gone.
I woke up this morning not feeling too bad, the girls slept in their own beds last night (they’ve been on blow up beds in my bedroom since Claire died), the sun is shining and it’s a new day. Then I decided to do the government thing and it’s not such a nice day anymore!
There’s only one thing to do on days like this – tidy. And today the airing cupboard gets it!
Funeral Arrangements
Funeral Arrangements
I arranged the funeral yesterday – thanks Dad for coming with me. It is on Friday 3rd May at 1000 at the Chiltern Crematorium in Amersham – everyone is welcome.
It was surreal, almost like it was happening to someone else. In fact the the whole day yesterday was surreal – I registered Claire’s death and that didn’t seem real either. I keep feeling as though they’ve all made some awful mistake and got the wrong person, Claire could still be alive and they’ve all accidentally switched the records over.
I know that’s not the case as her Mum and Sister went to see her in the chapel of rest – but for me… there’s a glimmer of hope.
That isn’t the case I know that, but part of me hopes it is. I think when they return her rings to me that will be the final sign that it really was my beautiful Claire that it happened to.
Every day I write this I cry. I’m crying again now – 7am Saturday morning and I’m off.
So what part of me is holding on to the hope that it wasn’t Claire?
The part of me that adored her?
The part of me that unconditionally trusted her?
The part of me that liked to cuddle her – yep that’s the one… how do I know? Well, writing that set me off again so it must be!
I’ve not thought yet about what I will miss the most as that feels too negative, but to be honest the thing I’ll really miss is holding her. Emotional, & practical support I can get from others, but her warm and friendly cuddle? Nothing can replace that.
I need to write a letter to her:
Claire,
I’ve not written anything to you yet, I’ve shouted a bit at home at you but not written. The kids have written each day on your Facebook wall, but me… I couldn’t face writing to you until now.
Sweetheart, I love you so much. And right now I miss you so much. You were my world, and still are my world.
I drew my strength from seeing you each day and I only realise now how much strength you imparted simply by smiling at me.
I used to love our cuddles, the softness of your skin always reminded me of our first kiss back in ’87 – yep, every time I held you I remembered that day – I don’t think I ever told you that.
You were everything to me, no-one will ever know what a special relationship we had, only we could ever know that.
Do you remember that chat we had in the pub on the beach in West Bay last weekend? That was our last night out together and we talked about it being our new ‘local’ if we moved there. I remember almost every word of that conversation, it was deep – not some meaningless drivel but a conversation that really meant something. I loved our chats.
Thank you.
Thank you for the last 25 years together.
Thank you for ALWAYS being there.
Thank you for not judging.
Thank you for your kindness, gentleness and tenderness.
Right now at this moment I’ve run out of words. I’ve no idea how to finish this except with a huge (((((HUG))))) and a xxxxKISSxxxx.
Goodnight my sweetheart.
Cause of Death
Cause of Death
I have just spoken to the coroner and the cause of beautiful Claire’s death has been given as Acute Hypertensive Crisis caused by Pheochrimocytoma.
For more details on what happened please visit this page.
Day 8 – Feeling Cold + General Info Update
Day 8 – Feeling Cold + General Info Update
I feel so lonely today. Almost like my emotional central heating system has been shut down – there’s a ‘chill inside’ which seems to need the flame that was Claire to warm it up. So what can I do?
You know, writing this blog is SO helpful – it makes sense of those weird feelings, I just start writing and see where it goes.
So back to my ‘chill inside’ analogy.
As an a-typical woman Claire often turned the heating down to save a few pennies – when I mentioned it was cold she used to say ‘put on another jumper then’ – so all I need to do is to find some extra emotional clothing and I’ll be warm again – aahhh shit… I’m off crying again!
OK, it’s now a few hours later and I’ve got myself together again: I’ve no idea where or what that emotional clothing is or looks like but what I do know for sure is this:
- I am in control of what I choose to think and how I think it, therefore I can change what and how I think
- I have all the resources I need to ‘warm up’ – I may not know how to access them right now, but I know they are there, and with the support of my family and friends (and indeed writing this) I know I will find them.
Just writing that down helps.
At the moment I’m cold, but it’s actually comforting to know that I can and will be warm again – and that I have everything I need to do it.
General Information Update
I had a phone call yesterday from Graham Metcalf the head teacher at the school where Claire worked. She only did 15(ish) hours per week in learning support but was clearly loved at the school. He said the school wanted to do an assembly with a powerpoint presentation of Claire – all done by the kids – so sweet.
They are also going to close the entire school for the funeral – wow, that girls was loved & respected!
Day 7 – Devotion
Day 7 – Devotion
People are saying that it’s lovely that Claire and I were devoted to one another. We were, absolutely and totally. But that was starting to leave a hole for me thinking that way, devotion to me means having someone there to receive it… and she’s not!
- I was devoted to listening to her and now I can’t
- I was devoted to being there for here and now I can’t be
- I was devoted to providing for her and now I can’t
I have a choice, I can choose to keep thinking that way and life won’t get better, or I can choose to redefine what devotion means to me.
Someone sent me this yesterday (Thank you Castle Way Dental Practice), it made me cry but this is what devotion now means to me and I’m going to live life this way:
You can shed tears that she is gone or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she’s gone or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back or you can do what she’d want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
OK, I gotta go back to work because that’s set me off again…
Day 6 – Peace
Day 6 – Peace
Before I go in to the peace thing, I just need to get off my chest that the mornings are so tough. The house and our hearts seem so empty without the warm glow that was Claire – aah there I go I’m crying again!
Ok, focus and DO something – that’s what us men do!
Peace
Last night I was talking to a good friend of mine Kevin Rose (thanks for the call mate, it really helped), we were just talking it all through – how we’re coping and what happened to Claire. During that conversation I really felt an immense feeling of peace.
Peace that we told each other we loved each other often.
Peace that we never left anything unsaid.
Peace that we never argued and rarely even disagreed.
Peace that we have no regrets in our relationship.
Peace that Claire lived this way with all her friends and family, she died at total rest and harmony with the world.
My sweetheart you continue to inspire me each day.