Tag: positive
Is it a dream?
Is it a dream?
It still feels like this is a dream, like its happening to someone else, almost a complete existential experience somewhat like those dreams where you think you are dreaming, but aren’t quite sure and then wake up with a start and are grateful that what you just experienced wasn’t actually the truth.
I’m still living in a vague hope that this is actually a dream, I’m sure it’s part of the coping process that my unconscious mind allows me to believe that I might wake up. So in that sense I’m grateful for the protection.
My biggest challenge at the moment is working out what I want from life again. When Claire was alive I knew exactly what I wanted, I knew how many days a week we wanted to work, I knew what we wanted to do with our time off, I knew where we wanted to live and to support all of that I knew how much revenue I needed to be generating from my business, how I would go about doing that and what the profit would be in order to support what we wanted to do. Oh yes, I knew what I wanted.
Take Claire out of the equation and the entire thing falls apart. Claire was the WHY in my life, which gave me a clear sense of the WHAT I needed to do, all I did then was work out the HOW. Take away the ‘why’ and suddenly there’s no reason for the ‘what’.
Whether this is the actual truth or not doesn’t matter, what matters is that it is my truth.
I’ve spoken to a good friend who is trained in the same coaching style as me, she wants some coaching too and so we have agreed to beat each other up, sorry I mean coach each other for a couple of days in October (thanks Emma).
I’m really looking forward to it, I’m apprehensive at the same time but I know I need to rebuild my future taking everything that was good and create a new life. At this moment in time I know that the beliefs I held to be true have been shattered and the things I valued in life have changed incomprehensibly, Emma you have an enormous task ahead of you as you put me back together!
On the one hand I want to keep that old goal, Claire and I had spent 22 years working on it, like an exquisite oil painting of our lives together. But on the other hand I’ve lost the artist that helped me paint that picture, however what I can do is look at that picture and take everything that was good about it and use that learning to paint a new one.
Which way to look – a bouncy existence
Which way to look – a bouncy existence
Sometimes it’s difficult to know which way to look.
Looking forwards is positive.
Looking forwards gives me the opportunity to create a brand-new future, to have complete control over what I do and to take things in a different direction.
Looking forwards is negative.
Looking forwards brings about a sense of anxiety and stress, how do I cope with everything that needs doing without Claire?
Looking backwards is positive.
Looking backwards gives me the opportunity to be thankful for the 28 years that Claire and I spent together, being married for 22 of them. Such happy memories.
Looking backwards is negative.
Looking backwards brings a sense of longing and reminds me of everything that I’ve lost.
And all that leads to a rather bouncy state of mind, bouncing backwards and forwards from positive to negative. The bouncing can happen quite quickly from the tiniest of triggers which can never be predetermined. The other day I was watching a TV programme, I can’t remember what it was but I can remember I was enjoying it. I felt positive. And then all of a sudden I realised that I could never enjoy a TV programme again and share that enjoyment with Claire. I felt negative.
I’m excited about moving house and looking forwards to a new life by the sea, I feel positive. Which reminds me of the life I’m leaving behind and everything that Claire knew, I feel negative.
This bouncing of emotions seems to be common amongst the grieving from what I can tell, which makes keeping up our relationships with friends and family pretty difficult at times. One minute I want to see people and the next minute I want to be alone – almost as capricious as the British weather, and certainly as unpredictable!
So if you know anyone that has recently lost someone close to them, bear with them. If they want to see you one-minute and don’t the next then it’s just them coming to terms with the loss.
I know that what I need to do is to make those positive views as bright and close and vivid as possible, all the while turning down those negative views to make them as dim, faraway and still as possible. If I change how I see those views of forwards and backwards and decide to make them bright or dim then I control how much of an impact they have. So whilst I can’t control the events themselves I can control their impact, and therein lies my little revelation for today…
The Things I Want to Remember
The Things I Want to Remember
Once again I’m not really sure what the purpose of this post is, memories lost.. or memories retained.
I guess I have two options, the first is to complain about all the things I miss about Claire, except that would be a negative frame to look at it. In fact, those same things that I miss about Claire are the very things that I want to remember… And so here are those things that I never want to forget, and now they are down in writing I guess I never will.
- When life around us seemed like it was going wrong (and we went through a phase where some big shit happened) she would cuddle me late at night and say “At least we’ve got each other”.
- The mock arguments we had. Claire wanted the tiniest camper van for some bizarre reason and when she spotted one would screech ‘Oh, can we have that one? – we’d then have a silly & joking debate/argument with me telling her how silly she was.
- Her snoring that drove me to distraction, but oddly now the memory is a comfort as it’s a sign she was alive.
- Her unfailing, unwavering and constant patience with the kids that surpassed my wildest comprehension. She truly did have the patience of a saint!
- Her intellect. She was one clever cookie.
- Our infrequent but long a deeeeeep conversations.
- The way she looked after me if I felt under the weather. “No, don’t worry dear… I’ll do it” was her stock phrase.
- The fact that she had a massive travelers chest FULL of recipes and we often joked that in 22 years of marriage she’d never cooked the same meal twice. If she cooked something different I would joke “mmm that was NICE, I’m looking forward to having it again when I’m 73”.
- The love she had for Lowen our border terrier.
- Her get on and do it attitude. With the house moving project she’d arranged colleges and schools for the kids all well in advance.
- Her total ineptitude with anything that had a lock or key, especially the caravan where she once spent 20 minutes trying to get in, then drove all the way home to tell me the key wasn’t working, I then drove to the van and opened it first time… she had the key upside down!
- Her incompetence with anything technological, especially mobile phones – a constant source of hilarity to both herself, the kids and me, especially when she tried to video Evie minutes after she was born, all we got was a video of Claire looking at the phone cursing “I’ve no idea how this stupid thing works, how do I turn it on to video?” – little did she know she’d already turned it on and we got the whole thing recorded!
- Her chocolate brownie cake at every birthday.
- Her complete love of the sea where she felt most live.
Seeing her hold and play with our beautiful grand-daughter Evie.- Being there 5 years ago when we faced financial ruin and came close to loosing everything. She planned, calculated the options and came up with alternatives whilst I found it hard to see the wood for the trees.
- Her giggle’s at the small things.
- Her uncontrollable crying laughter at the big funny things that went on for ages.