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Tag: missing her

Book about grief

Book about grief

What an incredibly strange couple of weeks it’s been. I’m writing this as we come out of the Covid-19 lockdown, it’s been a time of social isolation and not much paid work so it’s been an opportunity to work on other projects, of which I have many, you know me!

One of those projects has been my book. I just checked back in my notes and I originally planned to publish it in 2017, I’m only running 3 years late…

After a couple of conversations with other self published authors I decided to self publish on Ingramspark, in hindsight it’s actually a fairly simple process but trying to learn that processes has been rather challenging.

As of 26th of June 2020 the book is now available for pre-order on Amazon in Kindle format and I have my first physical proof of the paperback on its way from the printers.

I’m filled with emotion about the publishing of this. On the one hand I’m exceptionally excited to be able to help so many other people, if just one person reads the book and is helped, then it will be worthwhile.

On the other hand, I’m so desperately sad that I’ve had this experience in the first place.

2 completely different emotions, held side-by-side, hand-in-hand and with no conflict.

And isn’t that a lesson to learn?

  • Yes, the whole experience of Claire dying has been a living, waking hell.
  • Yes, I would never choose to go through it.
  • Yes, I miss her desperately.

And yet…

  • I’ve spent so much time on rebuilding my life that I’m loving it, enjoying it to the full and have few regrets.
  • I would never choose to go through it, and I know that is now part of who I am, and my experiences have been integrated into the new me, and I like the new me.
  • It’s possible to still miss Claire desperately, and that the same time, love again without compromising ‘then’ or ‘now’.

2 completely different emotions, held side-by-side, hand-in-hand and with no conflict.

There’s always a lesson to be learned from every situation, sometimes we just need to dig in order to find it…

… I can’t…

… I can’t…

When I first thought about it I thought “I can’t…”

But I’m now at a place where “I can begin to consider the possibility and imagine the options of what it would bring when I can” – and that is a far better place to be.

I miss you Claire, I miss you, I miss you.

I miss you Claire, I miss you, I miss you.

I miss you Claire, I miss you, I miss you.

I miss holding you.

I miss seeing you.

I miss kissing you.

I miss the warmth of you next to me in bed at night.

I miss your kindness.

I miss your love.

I miss the feel of your skin.

I miss seeing you first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

I miss telling you about the day.

I miss hearing about your day.

I miss your guidance.

I miss your approval.

I miss your presence.

I miss hearing your voice.

I miss joking with you.

I miss you taking the mickey out of me.

I miss your laughing

I miss your crying.

I miss your comfort.

I miss comforting you.

I miss you Claire, I miss you, I miss you.

Missing her

Missing her

Yesterday I went to see a new client in Epsom, Surrey. On my way back I drove through Ashtead and remembered that my old boss that I worked for when I was 19 lived there… for some bizarre reason I could remember his address.

Via the joys of a SatNav I could see I was only 4 minutes away, I had no idea if he still lived there but I took the chance, knocked on his door and to my surprise there he was.

What a great 2 hours we spent catching up with our families.

Now the thing is this. I really enjoyed catching up with Michael, he had a wayward son when I worked for him and I used to get stories of his exploits. He also had new born twin grandchildren, so again I used to get stories of all that twins get up to.

I used to come home and share all this fun stuff with Claire, and I know that if I’d been able to share what became of those kids and stories with Claire yesterday we’d have been talking for ages.

Yesterday I felt myself bursting with little stories to share with her. What the twins are doing now, what became of the wayward son, and more.

But I came home to nothing.

For the first time I had some stories to share and no-one to share them with. Even telling them to my Mum later last night wasn’t the same as she didn’t get all the original exploits 20 years ago. Claire did. Claire knows the full story and could have referred  back to “do you remember the time when….”.

I guess that’s just part of what I need to let go of. She was the only person in the world that knew so much about me and my life which made those conversations so easy.

It’s the interaction with Claire I miss. The deep, deep knowledge of understanding about every facet of our lives that being with someone for 28 years brings.

I’ve nothing more to add, other than I truly am missing her today.