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Tag: change

Absolute Clarity

Absolute Clarity

Well, I finally have an Internet connection in my own house and can now get back to posting. Since I last wrote an update we have moved 150 miles away to the beautiful Dorset coast – something Claire always wanted to do.

It’s been a mixed bag of emotions from absolute delight that we are living in such a gorgeous house in perfect surroundings to absolute dismay that Claire isn’t here to share it.

We are living the dream but unfortunately it was Claire’s dream too – I’m not sad for myself I’m just sad that Claire never got to see it. She was so close, she knew she would be moving, she chose this house with me and we decided to move here together… But she didn’t quite make it.

It just brings back the importance to me of living in the moment.

I have a wonderful coach and friend coming to stay with me for two days towards the end of October to unravel the tangled thoughts in my mind. I know it will be painful but I know it will be healing too. As part of that process I know she will ask me to set a goal for my new life, so I’ve been thinking, what should be in that goal what do I want to achieve?

Fast cars, fast living, lots of holidays, financially independent living and big houses are the first things which come into mind. But losing Claire has changed me fundamentally, as it will have changed everyone that knew her.

My goal now consists of working towards living each day with exquisite joy, living each moment so consciously that I can enjoy just being alive. It might sound silly but it occurs to me that we live life focusing so much on the things around us and planning for the future which might never happen. And this comes at the expense of enjoying the now.

It’s all still slightly tangled in my head, which I know is going to be Emma’s job to sort out at the end of October ( good luck gal!), so it doesn’t make complete sense yet but it will, and I’m looking forward to when it reaches absolute clarity.

Happy to Wander

Happy to Wander

It would have been our wedding anniversary tomorrow – 22 years.  I’m 45 now, so next year was the year when the balance turned to 50% of my life  spent married to Claire. I was looking forward to that for some weird reason, being able to say “I’ve been with you for more than half my life” – and now the stark reality is that, if I live to a normal age of 75ish, I will have spent far more years without her than I did with her… and that hurts!

What has struck me over the past few days is how much I’ve changed. I’ve never really chased big money but what has happened has really focused my attention. Money, success, fancy cars, big houses count for nada. No I mean it, they count for NOTHING! Financial independence, financially free, passive income are all hollow terms that totally miss the point…

I received this from a dear friend recently who could be in financial trouble:

“The last couple of months have been tough psychologically and now Claire’s story has made me realise that I have nothing to complain about and just need to get on with things. Its amazing how we make some things important and then are given a lesson about priorities. I would go bust a thousand times for you if it would bring her back. So tell her “thank you” from me for making me realise what a fool I’ve been”

My life is refocusing on what really matters and if money, fancy cars and big houses happen as a result then I’m not going to turn them away, but I’m also not bothered if they don’t.

Exactly what I want in life now is still unclear, Claire was my reason for everything I did and without that reason I admit to being lost – hence the name of this site! But for now, I’m happy to wander for a bit – in fact as I write those words ‘happy to wander’  they resonate with me and feel right.

100_2751.jpgClaire used to wander along the beach when ever we were there, just enjoying the air, kicking up the sand, digging around the rock-pools to see what’s there, making something out of drift wood, chatting to the passersby and sharing the joys of the day with them.

For now, that seems like a good philosophy to adopt.

 

Change Time

Change Time

I know from my training as a coach that we create emotional problems (phobias, fear, anger etc) when there is a massive change, or significant emotional event, in our lives that our neurology can’t cope with, our mind simply dumps everything in to an ’emotional dustbin’ and screws the lid on tight to keep us safe and to allow us to cope.

Up until now I’ve not really experienced such a significant single event, sure we’ve had some tough times (people that know us know what those are) but apart from when the twins were born and we nearly lost Toby things have been pretty stable – or at least they’ve seemed that way.

2001095-240568-stock-market-trend-under-magnifier-glass

At the time things can seem up and down, like tracking the stock market up and down with one of those little charts they draw… up, down, up, down… almost a rhythm to it.

At the time it seems like it’s up and down, but when we get a SIGNIFICANT event, like the death of a spouse and we pan out from that chart and take the whole thing in context, that small area of our lives seems to be constant when we can see that huge event in the context of everything else.

Up until last night I didn’t realise how much my life has changed since 17th April 2013.

If I compare now to 16th April everything has changed – work, kids, home, relationship… everything!

That old life has gone – the routines, the way we did things, the habits, the aspirations, the plans – all changed.

Accepting that is difficult, but the reality is that there is no choice and Claire always told me “If you can’t change it, accept it and move on to something you CAN change’ – she was right… she always was!

Claire, it’s the twins birthday today and we miss you. I remember 16 years ago when we almost lost Toby and he was hooked up to a ventilator looking really ill. You did so well, you were such a great Mum and you sat by them both for weeks in special care. It’s days like today when we really notice you are absent. You are so missed, you really are. I love you so much Claire and this pain of loss is hard to take, but I know I have to get through it. Thank you for all you did sweetheart. We’ll miss you today.