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Tag: triggers

Misty eyes of macho men

Misty Eyes of Macho Men

Misty Eyes of Macho Men

Misty eyes of macho men

This poem was recently shared with me, I simply can’t keep it to myself so have reposted it here. Permission has been obtained.

 

This is beautiful…

I was never given much to tears
Through most of all my younger years
Weren’t they after all a sign of weakness
An outward telling of inner meekness?

Guys were brought up to show a sterner face
To believe that weeping brought disgrace
If a tiny drop still found its way
We’d wipe it quickly, then we’d say

Something flew into my eye
Or another off the cuff white lie
Watching sad movies with my wife on TV
I’d look at her sometimes and see

Wet tears dripping down her cheek
I’d smile, but knew better than to speak
Now I watch those movies all alone
And those misty eyes are now my own

I look toward her empty chair
Catch myself and realize she’s not there
Once more I feel my eyes begin to fill
To breach the dam and then to spill

But unashamed these days, I let them flow
I can smile through them because I know
Her heart knows no sadness, just rejoicing and pain free
Leaving this world’s worries behind…and her tears here with me…

© Randy E. Richmond – Jan. 25, 2019

Remembering Claire

Beautiful fading pebbles

Beautiful fading pebbles

As with so many of these posts I don’t really know where this one is going. I know there is something inside which needs saying, but I’m not sure exactly what it is or how to say it… So the only thing to do is to start and see where it goes.

As many of you may know Claire absolutely loved the ocean, it was her dream to live by the sea but she died three days after we found a new house just 15 min walk from the beach, she never got to live in it or realise her dream… She is so very nearly made it!

She was also a bit naughty whenever she went to the beach, she used to pick up a pebble, take it home, write on the date and location, then place the pebble in a ‘little shrine to the sea’ in our garden in Hertfordshire. She would very often sit by the shrine, looking at all the pebbles she had collected and remembering the happy times she had spent by the sea. I guess it was her way of anchoring those happy memories, all she had to do was look upon the pebbles and she was back at her favourite beaches around the UK.

When I moved I carefully picked up all of those pebbles and brought them down to Dorset. They’ve been in various places around the garden here but I’ve just built a little planter in the garden as an edible garden and those pebbles have found their way into it.

But those pebbles are beginning to fade.

The writing on them is now almost illegible.

Claire’s touch upon those pebbles is dissipating.

I have a terrible memory, I don’t remember visiting virtually any of the places where she picked up those pebbles… But I do remember her writing on them.

There’s something about the writing fading which seems beautiful. I was tempted to overwrite them to keep the places and dates on them, but that wouldn’t have been Claire’s writing, it would have been mine and so it seemed wrong.

The writing on the pebbles fading is beautiful and yet full of contradictions.

The writing fades but the memories don’t.

The writing fades but Claire’s touch on my life doesn’t.

The writing fades but Claire’s memory doesn’t.

Those beautiful fading pebbles have a meaning, but for now they are keeping it to themselves…

Fading pebbles

Memories of my wife

Remembering Claire

Day 3 – The sun is shining

Day 3 – The sun is shining

The sun was shining this morning and that was the first time since Claire died, it wasn’t a sign or anything like that, but I just noticed the change in weather. The grief comes in huge waves, and all it needs is a simple trigger like the sun coming out… there seems to be no reason for it, no explanation and no way to stop it.

The kids are the same. Olivia (eldest daughter – 18) went to Tesco for some supplies and came back upset as it was always Claire that took her to the shops. We all have our own triggers that set us off!

Yesterday Olivia was struggling with a picture she had in her mind of Claire in the Chapel of Rest. I didn’t go but Claire’s Mum and Dad & Sister went and Olivia thought it might help her too. All she could see in her mind was Claire in the Chapel of Rest – I think she thought she’d look like she was simply asleep and was disturbed to find that Claire looked very different. I have a good friend that is a Master NLP & Hypnosis Coach, so she popped over to ‘mess with that picture’ in Olivia’s head and replace it with a nice happy one. It worked a treat!

My challenge today

Today it’s been the realisation that I’ll never have one of ‘our’ conversations again. We were both very much in to psychology – Claire from a formal educative background (She had a Bsc Hons in Psychology and was part way through an Msc in Counselling Psycholology) and me from a Neuro Linguistic Programming and Hypnosis angle.

We’d talk deeply about how some people ‘project’ on to others, and how important it is to become ‘self aware’ at an early point in life. We both knew that most people never understand either of those concepts… we both did and could talk for hours.

We just ‘got’ each other. There was such a deep understanding between us that has developed over the past 30 years together and I miss those convesations where we could both offload so much.. I so want to offload what’s on my mind right now and the only person in the world I can do that with isn’t here. The pain is just so immense right now.

My progress today

I slept last night and got some respite from the pain.