Month: June 2013
All That I am I give to You
All That I am I give to You
It looks like, in all probability, that we’ve sold our house.
This is the first major decision I’ve made without my beloved Claire and I’m left feeling really odd. And as I write that I’ve just had a epiphany as to why I feel odd… my reassurance strategy has an ‘external auditory’ that involves Claire, and of course that strategy can’t run. If you’re in to NLP you’ll get that, if you’re not then sorry but it makes sense to me!
On my to do list today, contact my coach and get that sorted!
So, back to moving house. Because I spent so many years living with Claire we became one, we acted as one and thought as one, consequently I’m not 100% sure that my decision to move down to the coast is completely mine. Losing a partner is not like losing someone external to yourself, it’s as though an integral part of my body has been dissected out and I’m having to make life changing decisions on my own. I feel like an animal in a vivisection laboratory that has had part of his brain removed to see how it copes.
Every day living is fine, my business remains completely unaffected, both of which I’m very grateful for but when it comes to making life changing decisions, something isn’t working quite right.
What strikes me is the uncertainty. When Claire was around we could bounce those uncertainties backwards and forwards and the process of doing that helped us make our minds up. Once I knew that Claire was happy with any decision, it was that that made my mind up for me. When I said those wedding vows just over 22 years ago I really meant it.
I give you this ring
as a sign of our marriage.
With my body I honour you,
all that I am I give to you,
and all that I have I share with you,
All that I am I gave to her, and if she was happy I was genuinely and truly happy also.
Marriage requires that complete surrender to the other person, and when both parties do that it works. We did… and it did! But what when one partner dies? What then?
I guess it’s a process of ‘un-surrendering’, of living with some uncertainty for a bit, enjoying it and seeing where it takes me.
The Power of Now
The Power of Now
Sometimes the smallest things can get me thinking, and I never know where they are going to come from. It would be so easy to just give in to these negative thought patterns and spiral out of control, but there really must be a balance between listening to our body and getting on with daily life, if I completely listened to my body I’d curl up in a corner and not come out for quite some considerable time.
Someone asked me yesterday what my motivation for jogging was, they were saying how good they felt whilst exercising and that it is addictive. I must say, I feel no addiction to physical exercise at all… I never have. I don’t get that endorphine kick and each workout is painful from the first step to the last; this is nothing new, it’s always been that way with me.
I guess my motivation to get physically fit is that I now understand how fragile our grip is on this life. It’ll never happen to me… It always happens to someone else doesn’t it? We watch programmes on TV about disasters and bad things that have happened in other people’s lives… And there it is, other people’s lives… It never happens to us does it?
Well, this time it did happen to us.
If I am a little fitter then my blood pressure will come down, not that it is worryingly high but it is higher than it really should be, my heart will be stronger and in the event that I do get ill I will be better able to fight it.
If something happens to me then the kids are completely alone, so there it is… That’s what motivates me to jog.
So that thing that got me thinking what was it? I was watching the news this morning and saw an interview with a tennis player who has recently finished his chemotherapy cancer treatment, I bet he never thought it would happen to him, I bet he thought it always happens to someone else.
Our time on this planet is short, our time with the ones we love is often shorter and in this world of business planning, key performance indicators and business exit strategies I wonder how much this detracts from enjoying the now.
The only known is now. The only sure thing is now. The only guaranteed thing we can enjoy is now.
I wonder what we could notice if we simply spent more time enjoying now?
The Things I Want to Remember
The Things I Want to Remember
Once again I’m not really sure what the purpose of this post is, memories lost.. or memories retained.
I guess I have two options, the first is to complain about all the things I miss about Claire, except that would be a negative frame to look at it. In fact, those same things that I miss about Claire are the very things that I want to remember… And so here are those things that I never want to forget, and now they are down in writing I guess I never will.
- When life around us seemed like it was going wrong (and we went through a phase where some big shit happened) she would cuddle me late at night and say “At least we’ve got each other”.
- The mock arguments we had. Claire wanted the tiniest camper van for some bizarre reason and when she spotted one would screech ‘Oh, can we have that one? – we’d then have a silly & joking debate/argument with me telling her how silly she was.
- Her snoring that drove me to distraction, but oddly now the memory is a comfort as it’s a sign she was alive.
- Her unfailing, unwavering and constant patience with the kids that surpassed my wildest comprehension. She truly did have the patience of a saint!
- Her intellect. She was one clever cookie.
- Our infrequent but long a deeeeeep conversations.
- The way she looked after me if I felt under the weather. “No, don’t worry dear… I’ll do it” was her stock phrase.
- The fact that she had a massive travelers chest FULL of recipes and we often joked that in 22 years of marriage she’d never cooked the same meal twice. If she cooked something different I would joke “mmm that was NICE, I’m looking forward to having it again when I’m 73”.
- The love she had for Lowen our border terrier.
- Her get on and do it attitude. With the house moving project she’d arranged colleges and schools for the kids all well in advance.
- Her total ineptitude with anything that had a lock or key, especially the caravan where she once spent 20 minutes trying to get in, then drove all the way home to tell me the key wasn’t working, I then drove to the van and opened it first time… she had the key upside down!
- Her incompetence with anything technological, especially mobile phones – a constant source of hilarity to both herself, the kids and me, especially when she tried to video Evie minutes after she was born, all we got was a video of Claire looking at the phone cursing “I’ve no idea how this stupid thing works, how do I turn it on to video?” – little did she know she’d already turned it on and we got the whole thing recorded!
- Her chocolate brownie cake at every birthday.
- Her complete love of the sea where she felt most live.
Seeing her hold and play with our beautiful grand-daughter Evie.- Being there 5 years ago when we faced financial ruin and came close to loosing everything. She planned, calculated the options and came up with alternatives whilst I found it hard to see the wood for the trees.
- Her giggle’s at the small things.
- Her uncontrollable crying laughter at the big funny things that went on for ages.
Roundabouts and Whirlwinds
Roundabouts and Whirlwinds
This is more of an observation than anything else, but time seems to be passing so fast at the moment. No sooner have I woken up then it’s time to go to bed again. The week days are blurring into one and the weekends seem to be hurtling by, one after another in quick succession.
I don’t know why this could be, I guess it’s a coping mechanism of some form?
There’s no time to catch my breath, no time to sit and ponder – indeed, no time to really think about the impact of what has actually happened!
The only time I have experienced this in the past, albeit in a much milder form, is when we last moved house 11 years ago. I remember reaching agreement with the respective vendors and purchasers and making a phone call to the solicitor to start the legal process, from then on it was a whirlwind, a constant roundabout that we couldn’t get off of, and no sooner had the phone call to the solicitors been made then we were sitting outside the new property waiting for the removal van to arrive with our furniture to move us in.
It’s that whirlwind roundabout that I seem to be on at the moment, except I’m not exactly sure which roundabout it is.
I’m rather hoping it doesn’t complicate the issue but it looks as though our house sale is coming together as well – so I guess I’m going to be making that call to the solicitor pretty soon once more.
Another roundabout to step on.
Is it all too much?
Is there an answer to that question?
I’m really looking forward to moving house again, the new life by the sea, more relaxed, more chilled out, more space around us but without the very valuable immediate support of my parents and parents-in-law.
Just reflecting on that now reminds me of a recurring conversation that Claire and I used to have. We had often talked about moving to the sea and accepted the fact that it was possible that once we were there we could hate it. The conversation then always came round to us saying “We would rather live life and regret things we have done, rather than regret things that we haven’t done and wished we did”.
Claire my darling, you’ve come to my rescue once again, thank you.
I made it through today
I made it through today
I made it through today… our 22nd wedding anniversary. It’s been an odd day, I’ve not really spoken to many people but those that I did didn’t mention that it was our anniversary. I guess it’s tough for people, no-one really knows what to say, and I respect that.
I was having an SMS conversation with one friend who did indeed say happy anniversary in the message – and you know what I was OK with it, she knows about Claire and I’m actually very touched that she felt she could say that to me, it is my anniversary today and it always will be.
Of course it was a sad day, yes I’ve welled up quite a few times but it’s not been a dark day… just sad, but acceptable sad… almost positive sad… is that possible?
I really am so thankful for the years we spent together, it’s true that some people search a life time for what we had, and I am truly thankful that I found such amazing love and managed to share those 22 years with Claire.
Someone sent me this earlier on today – it sums up how I feel so well.
The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have
Is yours.The love that I have
Of the life that I have
Is yours and yours and yours.
A sleep I shall have
A rest I shall have
Yet death will be but a pause.
For the peace of my years
In the long green grass
Will be yours and yours and yours.
Happy to Wander
Happy to Wander
It would have been our wedding anniversary tomorrow – 22 years. I’m 45 now, so next year was the year when the balance turned to 50% of my life spent married to Claire. I was looking forward to that for some weird reason, being able to say “I’ve been with you for more than half my life” – and now the stark reality is that, if I live to a normal age of 75ish, I will have spent far more years without her than I did with her… and that hurts!
What has struck me over the past few days is how much I’ve changed. I’ve never really chased big money but what has happened has really focused my attention. Money, success, fancy cars, big houses count for nada. No I mean it, they count for NOTHING! Financial independence, financially free, passive income are all hollow terms that totally miss the point…
I received this from a dear friend recently who could be in financial trouble:
“The last couple of months have been tough psychologically and now Claire’s story has made me realise that I have nothing to complain about and just need to get on with things. Its amazing how we make some things important and then are given a lesson about priorities. I would go bust a thousand times for you if it would bring her back. So tell her “thank you” from me for making me realise what a fool I’ve been”
My life is refocusing on what really matters and if money, fancy cars and big houses happen as a result then I’m not going to turn them away, but I’m also not bothered if they don’t.
Exactly what I want in life now is still unclear, Claire was my reason for everything I did and without that reason I admit to being lost – hence the name of this site! But for now, I’m happy to wander for a bit – in fact as I write those words ‘happy to wander’ they resonate with me and feel right.
Claire used to wander along the beach when ever we were there, just enjoying the air, kicking up the sand, digging around the rock-pools to see what’s there, making something out of drift wood, chatting to the passersby and sharing the joys of the day with them.
For now, that seems like a good philosophy to adopt.
Negatives Don’t Attract
Negatives Don’t Attract
It was Olivia’s, my eldest daughter’s, 18th birthday on Saturday – that was a tough one. We went out for a meal as a family and yet at the same time we weren’t a family. There was someone missing which left something missing from the room, something missing from the conversation and something missing in the atmosphere of the day.
Right at this moment in time every breath seems like an effort, the tiredness is almost overpowering, I make it to 8 PM each night and need to lie down.
Next weekend would have been our 22nd wedding anniversary and on reflection I think I can see where the tiredness is coming from.
It’s almost as though I know I’m going to have to face these events, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and family celebrations without Claire. It’s like these events have a magnet attached to them, except rather than be attracted to them I feel as though my body has the same negative polarity and I’m being pushed away. Those events are in the future and I’m being pushed to stay in the now and it’s making moving forwards a hard slog.
Normally in life we have events to look forward to, those same birthdays, holidays and anniversaries are positive attractions. But without the one you love those days are to be avoided at all costs.
Right now I’m not sure what the solution is, I think finding something positive that I can look forward to would be good. The future would then hold some form of positive draw which would help to overcome the aching tiredness.
On an entirely different note I’ve had three people contact me via this website in the past week. Two of them have recently lost their spouse and one doesn’t have long left as their partner is in the final stages of a terminal illness. One thing struck me, in times gone by I would have avoided any conversation that involved death. It’s often a taboo subject and depressing to talk about. Yet not one of these three communications I had left me feeling depressed, in fact quite the opposite.
The conversation (via e-mail) with the person who is about to lose their partner to a terminal illness was the toughest, and yet even in what could be my darkest hours, it was good to help someone else. Knowing that my experiences, no matter how difficult they are to me as an individual, can help someone else can only be a positive thing.
50% of all couples will experience the death of their partner, I guess that is the reality, and so I know am not alone!
So, back to work – Finding a new positive future is going to be my job this week. Something to look forward to, something that is a positive draw which can get me through the more challenging days… I wonder what that positive thing could be?
Keep Looking Up
Keep Looking Up
I’ve got so much support around me from friends, family and work colleagues – thank you guys, you’re all amazing and I really appreciate it.
There’s no point to this post, I’m just writing how I feel because it’s better that way.
When the party’s finished, when the work is completed or when the day turns to evening everyone else’s life continues the same as it did before with the familiar people around them. Mine doesn’t. I come home to an empty house. I sleep in an empty bed. I’ve no-one to share the day with, no-one to say good night to, no-one to look forward to seeing first thing in the morning.
Waking in the morning and the evenings are the worst times. They are so very quiet and I’m doing everything I can to not listen to the silence.
Silence really can be deafening.
There isn’t anything anyone can do. In fact doing more things in the day (thank you to everyone that has invited me out or offered to help) in some strange way makes the silence worse. It’s the contrast I think. Busy in the day and then BAM… it all stops when everyone goes home.
Sometimes it’s just easier to keep things low level all day, then the evenings don’t seem quite so bad.
Yes, I’m struggling, but YES I’m fighting too. I will win, I will learn to deal with the silence in some way and no matter how deep this black pit goes I will always keep looking upwards to I can see the light above me, no matter how far away it is.
I can’t find the words to write at the moment. Nothing comes.
All that goes around my head is that when we had a major life crisis Claire used to cuddle up to me and say “Don’t worry Markie, at least we’ve got each other”.
Well now I haven’t and I have to face it alone.
I thought I was as low as I could go, now I’ve no idea where the bottom is.