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Month: January 2014

Comparing

Comparing

Through the power of the Internet I have been in contact with some amazing people that have inspired me and motivated me to make big changes in my life. I recently met up with Robin, he lost his wife just a few days before Claire died, we met up a couple of weeks ago for a lovely walk in the country and had a great lunch together, we shared our experiences and a good friendship has developed.

Robin also writes a blog about losing his beloved wife Sarah and last week he wrote this one… It touched me enormously.

It seems to me that our propensity to compare the past with now is something that we just do. But I wonder, if we stopped comparing how much more could we enjoy the now?

If we went out for dinner and a meal we eat is good, but not quite as good as the time we went before it is only because we have been comparing it that we are not enjoying it so much. If we just look at the meal in isolation, the meal we are eating right now, then we can enjoy it for what it is.

Yes, that is such a simple analogy, but it works doesn’t it?

Today is only a horrible day if we compare it with a previous day. If we don’t compare with anything that’s gone before we can truly enjoy where we are, where we are at, what we are doing and who we are with uniquely for the current experience of now.

And you know what, I actually don’t want to compare today with yesterday. As long as I compare my life now to my life with Claire it could always make today look grey. But the reality is that it is not. Today is just today and it can be enjoyed for being today. I’m living in an wonderful part of the world now, I enjoy fresh sea air daily and am eating the healthiest food I’ve ever had. The years I had with Claire were fabulous and I loved every single moment and it’s because I loved every single moment that I can enjoy today.Comparing today and indeed my future with my past isn’t respecting the years I had with Claire at all.

So I’m not going to compare any more, in fact there is no comparison, how can there be? Today is unique. The life I am living now is completely different to the life I lived before. There is no comparison, on December 7th 1985 When Claire and I first kissed a chapter in my life opened and when she died on April 17th 2013 it closed. That chapter was beautiful and comparing anything to that isn’t giving my life with Claire or the life I lead now the justice that either of them deserves.

With no comparing, today becomes wonderful, it’s beautiful and it is valued for what it is, in it’s own right without any comparison to what went before, we can then enjoy today and retain those wonderful memories of what went before.

 

This too shall pass

This too shall pass

I feel very strongly that I have turned a corner, a corner of acceptance, not necessarily acceptance of losing Claire but acceptance of the emotions attached to that. I’m still often overwhelmed with the love that I feel for her and then I become overwhelmed with loneliness and loss. I go from high to low in the blink of an eye.

I can wake up one morning and feel good, or I can wake up one morning and feel terrible.

One minute I can be focused on the task in hand and the next my mind can be wondering in 100 different directions.

I’ve reached a point of acceptance of these dichotomous emotions. They are the way things are, and each of them shall pass.

When I’m feeling good it keeps me grounded to know that things can change quite quickly and I will probably feel low again.

When I’m feeling low it keeps me hopeful to know that things can change quite quickly and I will feel happy again.

Whatever happens, however I feel at any given moment… This too shall pass.

What did Claire teach me?

What did Claire teach me?

When Claire was alive she gave herself wholly to me. She dedicated her life to looking after me, caring for me and taking care of me. I did the same for her.

I now have a choice, I can either forget all of that or I can take what I learnt from Claire and use it to help me as I go into my future, so what did I learn from her? What made Claire so special and what did she teach me? She taught me:

  1. To love with no strings attached, no hidden agendas, no mind games just straight forward and honest love.
  2. That when we give ourselves to others we receive far more in return.
  3. That tomorrow may never come, if it’s worth doing, do it today.
  4. To resolve all disagreements or arguments and never let them stew – we can’t control other people, but we can control our own response and we can forgive them even if they don’t forgive us.
  5. To keep going no matter what.
  6. To be aware of ourselves and our impact on the way we think and the way we perceive others.
  7. That scientific research is not the be all and end all, operator bias, confirmation bias, complexity and many other factors affect the validity of so-called ‘scientific’ proof. Sometimes we just ‘know’ what is true.
  8. To trust your heart as well as your head.
  9. That living by the sea really is a calming place to be.
  10. To take time for myself.
  11. To enjoy a decent bottle of wine.

All I can do now is bundle up that little box of learning, tie it with a neat bow (just as Claire would have done) tuck it under my arm and carry it with me for the rest of my life.

Thank you dear, you continue to be an inspiration to me.

Feeling Angry?

Feeling Angry?

I feel compelled to write this post as a response to some of the messages I’m getting and seeing at the moment. Normally I write about my own emotions and how I am dealing with them, I guess in some ways this post isn’t so different, but the reason for writing it is not to help myself, it’s to help others that seem to be struggling.

Anger seems to be a big issue with many people in my situation. Angry at the situation itself, angry at the turn of events that unfolded when their loved one died and indeed angry at their late partner for leaving them so early in life.

I can honestly say I feel none of this anger. I feel completely calm and relaxed in this respect, not because of my own ability to deal with anything better then anybody else but because I believe I have an understanding of how our mind works. What I would like to do in this blog post is share how I look at the situation, the turn of events and the fact that Claire left me so early in her life.

A difference between what we think happens and what really happens.

The easiest way to describe this is to put it into a diagram.

Slide2What we often think happens when we get angry (a behaviour) when something happens (external event) is that the external event MAKES us angry. Something happens, our blood begins to boil, our faces go red and we can feel the anger welling up inside. We seem to create a direct link between that external event and our own behaviour. The two seem inextricably linked… “That happened which makes me angry” – “they died and left me and that makes me angry” are a common thoughts.

But this is not what really happens, this is taking the external event and behaviour and not accepting that we’ve done anything with that external event in our head. It’s as though the event has led to a behaviour and we haven’t been part of that process, but we have haven’t we? We are completely part of it because we absorb that external event via our senses, we take everything we see, hear and feel about that external event, run it around inside our head which then leaves us with a behaviour.

So this is what really is happening.

 

Slide1

 

What actually happens is that an external event enters our thought process via our senses. We then generalise things (“last time someone died then I felt this way”) we delete things we can’t make sense of, we have our own innate ways of doing things (“…this is just the way I handle life”), we have our own belief systems (you may believe that you deserve more, or that something is right or wrong… But who says?). You may have decided years ago that life wasn’t fair, this could be a limiting decision which has led to a limiting beliefs that your life is going to all go wrong, and when something negative happens it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy (“yeh, I knew something shit would happen”).

These are all filters inside your head, these filters completely change the reality of the external event. These filters give you an internal representation of that event in your head.

That internal representation changes your state, your blood boils, your heart races and you can feel the anger welling.

That state changes your physiology, your face becomes red, your fists clench and your stomach churns.

The physiology then affects your behaviour… You become angry.

So what is the answer?

This process happens in the blink of an eye but it’s like a steam train heading down the wrong track. Once that steam train gets momentum and heads down the wrong track there’s no stopping it, there’s nothing you can do, there is just an inevitability about the situation.

So the trick is to put in a set of points early on in the process so that that steam train can choose an alternate heading. If we divert the train early enough in the process it won’t regain the momentum and won’t end up in the destination called anger.

I find myself in an awful situation, the external event that happened to me is that I lost my beautiful Claire.

I know that there are things that I would generalise about that situation, I will delete things that I can’t make sense of, I have beliefs about the way my life should have turned out and I have a wonderful memories together. All of these act as filters in my mind and distort that original event. I know that I’m doing this. I know that I have created my own internal representation of that horrible external event.

Because I know that I have done this I can choose to put in a set of points and divert the steam train.

My reality of losing Claire is entirely constructed in my head and that is the only place that reality exists. And when you realise that, when you realise that your thoughts are just that… They are only thoughts. Your thoughts are not reality, reality happens outside of you and you make sense of it with thoughts.

Now you know this, now you know that the way you feel is because of your thoughts… Have that thought, recognise it as a thought, and let it go…

 

Where is there?

Where is there?

Since the New Year a few people have contacted me and asked me how I’m doing, my reply has been fairly standard – “I’m getting there”.

But where is ‘there’? Is ‘there’ a destination?

When I arrive there will I know, will I be able to say with all certainty that I have arrived where ever ‘there’ is and that everything is now better?

The reality is that this is not going to happen. Claire has gone and she is never coming back, the only resolution is if she was, the only way that I would get ‘there’ is if Claire came back… But she’s not going to so ‘there’ as a destination doesn’t exist.

‘There’ is the journey, it’s a journey which had a beginning but only ends when I do.

‘There’ is now the journey of my life, it’s the journey of all of our lives that knew Claire.

‘There’ isn’t the destination, it’s the process, the path, the experience.

‘There’ isn’t about feeling better or feeling worse, it’s simply about feeling.

‘There’ is all around us, it is us, it is life, this life – so yes… I’m getting ‘there’.

Why is the pain of losing a partner so great?

Why is the pain of losing a partner so great?

The pain of losing a Claire seems so massive at the moment, I’m hoping that listing the reasons why would help myself to understand them better and perhaps help others to also.

Losing a life partner is like losing part of yourself.

When we got married I gave myself so entirely and completely to Claire, I gave up my right to being an individual, two people became one. Without her here it feels as though one of my major organs is not functioning properly and that I am chronically ill in some way.

Making decisions.

When you lose a life partner you lose part of your decision-making process. We made decisions together, even if it wasn’t an explicit joint decision it was always a joint decision nonetheless. If I wanted something to happen I would hint about it to Claire, she would then let me know if she agreed… And so the joint decision was made. Nothing explicit, everything implied, we just knew.

Off loading.

At the end of the day we used to tell each other what had happened, the good, the bad and the ugly. It was a coping strategy, after all, a problem shared is a problem halved! It was the way that we finished the day, the day always finished by sharing what had happened, enjoying the good things and resolving the bad things. Without her here that resolution is harder to reach.

Enjoying the good things.

When you have a life partner part of your strategy for enjoying things is to share with that person. If you see a beautiful sunset or taste a glorious bottle of red wine it always seems that much better when you share it with the person you have given your life to, so when that person is taken away from you your ability to enjoy those things declines.

Referencing.

Many people are either internally referenced or externally referenced. This means that they either intrinsically know that a decision they have made is a good one, or they need external verification from other people. Highly successful business people are often internally referenced, they just know they are brilliant and don’t need anyone to tell them. Well I was ‘Claire’ referenced. Yes, I know strictly speaking that is being externally referenced, but it is linked to a specific person. If I was a little unsure about what I was doing, whether it be in business or life I would ask Claire. She would be my barometer, and if the barometer pointed in a negative direction it meant I had to stop and vice versa. Without her I have no idea if I’m doing the right thing.

For everything that we do in life we have a strategy, we have a strategy for making decisions, coping at the end of the day, enjoying things, resolving things plus thousands more. When you give yourself so totally to another person your strategies for life become intertwined, so when that person is taken away it leaves you almost unable to function. When you live with someone for 22 years they become part of you, they become who you are and when they die it challenges you in absolutely every aspect of your life. I have been challenged over these past nine months and I continue to be so more than ever.

Keep facing the same way

Keep facing the same way

I think it’s quite natural to grieve for the past and all that we had when we have lost someone so close. We think about the happy memories, the times we enjoyed together, the impact we had on each other’s lives and the fact that all of that is gone. For the past nine months the past is the direction I have been facing, all of my emotions have been focused on what I’ve lost.

The revelation I had last night was that I’ve turned a corner, I’m still painfully aware of the past but I’m now looking to the future.

The problem is that the future seems quite grim at the moment. It seems dark, cold, lonely and empty.

I’ve been struggling with these emotions over the past few days and now I can see why, I have dared for the first time to consider my future.

And whilst I feel at the depth of my loneliness when I look to the future I know that this is actually a good thing. I know that I have turned a corner, I have begun to consider my future which is a positive step. Dwelling and wallowing in the past won’t allow me to move onwards, although right at the moment that first step onwards seems rather unattractive.

Dwelling on the past has served me well up until this point, I guess I have become used to it. Looking to the future is a far more painful experience right at the moment, but I know that deep within me things will be okay. I know that looking to the future is the right thing to do and I know that, in time, the heavy weight of loneliness, which seems to stretch in front of me, will lift also.

Sometimes it’s simpler to take the easy option, it’s simpler to remain focused on the past… Even though it’s painful to think of what I’ve lost it’s easier than thinking about the future.

Beginning to consider my future is the most painful thing I’ve experienced since actually losing Claire. The temptation to remain in the past is immense, it’s painful there but familiar, so it’s safe. All I need to do is keep going, keep facing the same way and accept that the pain of uncertainty about the future will allow me to experience the emotions even more when it lifts.

A Claire and Bright Perspective

A Claire and Bright Perspective

I saw this on Facebook yesterday, it was shared by a couple of friends that I have made who have also recently lost their partners. It really is quite moving.

“Grief can destroy you –or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn’t allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it.

But when it’s over and you’re alone, you begin to see that it wasn’t just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can’t get off your knees for a long time, you’re driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.”

― Dean Koontz, Odd Hours

When I read this section “… you’re driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss” it reduced me to tears. I’m not ashamed to admit that I have not had a good time for a couple of days, I’ve felt confused, lost and bewildered. But things are settling now a little and clarity is starting to appear.

I re-read some of my old blog posts last night and one of them stood out, a post where I was talking about my reason for living. Looking to the future can seem so bleak with the loneliness and loss being so huge and sometimes it seems like a struggle to keep going, what reason do I have?

And then the reason becomes clear, the reason is Claire. (oh yes, the fact that the Latin meaning of the name Claire is ‘clear and bright‘ is not lost on me)

I truly am reduced to my knees, not only because of the loss of Claire but by the gratitude for the 28 years we shared together. When I think about all of those years it makes me want to shout in gratitude, to dance around like an idiot, to scream from the top of my lungs about how good our relationship was. It’s those emotions that make things so tough and yet conversely give me a reason to go on.

Those emotions are the life taker and the life giver at the same time, all I have to do is choose which one they are going to be – it’s all a matter of perspective.

 

… I can’t…

… I can’t…

When I first thought about it I thought “I can’t…”

But I’m now at a place where “I can begin to consider the possibility and imagine the options of what it would bring when I can” – and that is a far better place to be.

A change of perspective

A change of perspective

When I feel low I write. Writing helps me make sense of everything, it helps me put things in order.

Perspective 1

It’s the loneliness that is truly getting to me at the moment, I’m not talking about being alone, I’m talking about being lonely. When I married Claire I meant every single word of our vows, I completely and utterly gave myself to her and I know she did to me also. From that moment, when the Rev David Pytches joined our hands together and raised them high, two people became one. And that was how we lived.

Claire has been gone eight months and I still talk about ‘we’. “WE moved to Dorset because…”, “WE bought this house because…” – it is just ingrained into my every thought and my every action that we do this together.

The result of living like this for 22 years is that I still want to share everything with her. When I see the waves crashing against the shoreline in the middle of the storm it only seems to have significance because I could talk about it with Claire. When I taste a glorious bottle of the finest red wine, it tastes so good because I could share that experience with Claire. Without sharing there seems to be no significance.

What’s the point of seeing a beautiful sunset if there’s no one to share it with?

What’s the point of enjoying a lovely meal if there’s no one to share it with?

Sharing is me, sharing digs to the root of who I am and without the ability to do that it seems to rock my identity. I don’t know who I am any more.

I can’t see any immediate resolution to it.

I guess time will find a way.

Perspective 2

This part is written with the exact same loneliness emotion in mind but I want to tackle it from a different perspective. I met with a wonderful friend the other day, our situations are different but we share similar experiences of loss, she wrote to me today:

“I’ve developed a stronger and deeper relationship with [family and friends] that I wouldn’t have had… and that has enriched my life enormously”

This statement made me stop in my tracks. Of course the pain of losing Claire cuts deep but sometimes those surgical cuts can also have a healing effect. I can definitely feel a deeper relationship with some family members since losing Claire, especially my wonderful kids. I can feel  a deeper connection (rather intangible) but also notice things that are said and done (much more tangible) which never would have been said or done before.

In that sense, and with that frame of reference on the same situation, I can also see that my life has been enriched enormously.

Thank you O,T,T & M…. I love you guys.