Year: 2014
The End
The End
It’s been a year to the day that Claire left this world, a year to the day that my life changed irrevocably. It’s been quite a journey this past year – many, many tears, much thought, much learning and a huge amount of reflection.
When I first started this blog I had no idea where it was going, all I knew was that I would use it daily to help me on my journey, that was what I did – but it’s ended up being far more than that.
This website has connected people from around the world, each person that has contacted me has been put in touch with friends that are going through the same things. This has resulted in meeting some amazing people that have travelled from around the UK and the world to visit me and others – thanks espescially to Grettel who travelled from New Mexico!
We’ve even had two people that lost partners become a loving couple as a result of meeting via this blog… yes, this blog has helped those in mourning and helped find love for those that have lost partners – I never expected any of that!
From a personal point of view this site has helped me over the loss of my lovely wife Claire, it has helped me come to terms with what it means to loose a loving partner… but I now know that I’ve turned a corner.
What I need to do now is to reclaim my life for my own. To work on ME, to begin to live life again – not as part of a couple with Claire, but as me… Mark, a unique and happy individual – and all of that is a very private and personal journey that will only be shared with people very close to me in my life. It’s a natural stage to go through, and one that I must do without sharing publicly.
When I first registered this domain name I was aware that a time would come when it no longer felt appropriate. When I started I truly was lost without Claire, but now I feel different. I’m on a journey to finding the new me and so the word ‘lost’ doesn’t fit with my journey any more and so this will be the last post I write.
It will be the last post, not because my journey is over, but because it is just beginning. It is beginning in a new vein, a new light and a new path. I’m no longer lost, I’m on a journey to being found and so it feels right to say goodbye to this part of that journey. I refuse to live life in the past, I will respect it and cherish those amazing happy memories and use those times to build a new life for myself.
I’d like to say thank you so much for your interaction with this blog over the past year – here are some stats that might amaze you – to date we’ve had:
- 36,880 visit to the site
- Visitors from 142 countries
- 6232 website shares
- 402 likes on Facebook
- 309 people comment on a post
- 24 people join a Facebook support group for the recently bereaved
- 2 people fall in love and begin to rebuild their lives together via the support group
And so, now it is my time to finish off this last post.
I will continue to grow.
I will continue to develop.
I will continue to live my life to the fullest possible with the love and support of those people closest to me, and if you are one of those people – thank you, I love you from the bottom of my heart!
I wish…
I wish…
I wish…
Actually I don’t. I refuse to go down the thought pattern of “I wish…” there are so many possibilities that I could wish for, I could wish Claire had never died, I could wish she’d been taken to the doctor earlier, I could wish she had fought harder to stay alive, I could wish I had come home early for work and gone to the hospital with her. All of those wishes are false hopes, all of those wishes will never come true and therefore all of those wishes are pointless and downright damaging, they lead to a world of blame and guilt which is totally unhealthy.
Living in the world of “I wish…” is a world surrounded by the past, it’s a world where nothing moves on, it’s a world that is locked in a place which is contrary to the truth and what actually happened.
“I wish…” is a very destructive thought pattern and I refuse to go there.
“I wish…” also damages the future. Living in the past by saying “I wish…” means we can feel guilty about enjoying life to come. It means feeling guilty about moving forwards in life, feeling happy, meeting a new partner, moving house and enjoying things again… And all because we are living in the past.
You can honor your past
You can treasure your past
You can and should love your past
You do not have to live in your past
So do I wish it had all never happened? Well, to be honest, I refuse to answer that question. I refuse to be drawn into the world of negativity wishing things hadn’t happened when actually they did. My answer? Deal with what has happened and stop wishing for something else to happen that is an impossibility… That is a world of misery, despair and with no end.
“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”
I know I have shared this poem several times before, indeed I read it out at Claire’s funeral but the reason I have shared it is because it is so true. I’m living my life now full of the love I shared with Claire, being happy for tomorrow because of everything she gave to me, I cherish her memory in photographs and in wearing my wedding ring and I let it live on in the same, I’m doing what she would want, smiling, opening my eyes, loving and going on.
“I still love you Claire and always will”
xxx
Swimming
Swimming
The journey I am on is a journey with a very distinct beginning, yet it is a journey without an end. Imagine walking down the beach towards the sea, taking the first tentative step as the waves break around your feet and walking out deeper and deeper into the ocean. As the water surrounds you you realise at some point you need to start swimming and so you just swim, further and further away from the shoreline. The further you get from where you were the more lost you become until eventually the shoreline, and everything you know disappears completely from view. As you lose sight of where you were, you have no idea which direction to go in, and so you have only one option, keep swimming, keep swimming.
And whilst that analogy holds true we wouldn’t really do that would we, we wouldn’t just walk out into the sea and begin swimming. If we wanted to swim the English Channel we would have a support vessel, we’d cover our bodies in a protective layer to keep us warm, we would inform the Coast Guard of where we were going, we would avoid all the large ships which crossed our path and eventually, with the aid of everything around us we would reach the other side.
And yet, even with all this help, I’m sure that when the sight of land disappears behind us and has yet to appear in front of us, it could seem as though we are in the middle of the channel with nothing but pain and torture in front of us. It’s only the sheer determination to keep going that would keep us on our path to the other side.
The difference with grief is that there isn’t another side, there isn’t a destination. There is only the journey. And yet, with the support of those around us, our own internal resources and the sheer determination that we all possess. We can just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.
And as I keep on swimming it becomes easier to accept that this is my life now, it becomes easier to accept that I can no longer see the shoreline from where I started. It was a lovely shoreline, I spent many happy years relaxing on it and enjoying being there, but it’s gone, it has disappeared from sight and will never return.
I’ve no idea which way to go on this journey, I’m just going to pick a direction and keep tenaciously swimming, accepting the help of those around me to act as my support vessel and just keep on going until the glorious day that grief turns in to love and I sight land head.
Dealing with Grief
Dealing with Grief
I thought in this post I would share some of my own experiences of dealing with grief, and I mean dealing with grief, not living with it, not ignoring it, not pushing it to one side as if it doesn’t exist, but actually dealing with it on a day-to-day basis, or even a minute-to-minute basis.
I guess it comes from spending two years developing myself that I know we all experience significant emotional events in our life at some point, these can have huge impacts on the way we view things in the future. We all know that we have beliefs about ourselves and some of those beliefs are empowering (I am good enough, I am strong) and some of those beliefs are disempowering (I don’t deserve it, I’m not worth it). From the moment the consultant came into that little room and told me that Claire had died I knew this was a significant emotional event where one of those limiting and damaging beliefs could easily have been adopted.
“I don’t deserve this”, “why did it happen to me”, “I’m worth more than this”, “she’s worth more than this”, “she doesn’t deserve it”… All would be easy thoughts to adopt yet all are dis-empowering decisions and beliefs.
I knew that from the moment I was told that I no longer had a wife any decision I made had to be empowering. I had to continue with life and I knew that from the second the consultant told me.
Not one single day, and I mean not one single day has passed without me working on myself. Every thought, every emotion, every single nagging idea that has dared to enter my brain has been dealt with. I’m working on the way I think 24 hours a day (and yes, I believe that my unconscious mind is also working on it whilst I am asleep).
The decision I made when Claire died was that I had to deal with it and I had to continue to live my life in a way that respected the 28 wonderful years I spent with Claire. Pushing those thoughts, emotions and nagging ideas to one side and not dealing with them has never been an option for me. I have faced them all head on and at the beginning they were hitting me literally every minute. Every minute of every day I was being pummelled with these thoughts, but because I have dealt with them as they have arrived things are much quieter now. My program of self development with NLP and Hypnosis gave me a toolbox of techniques, ideas and thinking patterns that have allowed me to work on those thought processes – no longer do I fill up that great big dustbin of negativity that so many people carry around on their backs all day, getting heavier and heavier as the years go by – in fact I went in to this whole process with a dustbin that had had a hand grenade chucked in it to completely clean it out, and as the days go by I refuse to fill that dustbin up again… it remains as clean today as it has ever been.
I genuinely feel at peace, those negative emotions and thoughts have almost stopped. Instead, they have been replaced by love. Love for everything that Claire was, everything that she did for me, everything that she did for the children and indeed immense love for her as my wife and best friend. I would much rather welcome those thoughts and emotions into my mind and allow them to live there rather than all of the negative ones.
If we are to make room for all of the positivity then we need to deal with the negativity. I continue to do so and will continue for the rest of my life.
A finite vessel or bottomless pit?
A finite vessel or bottomless pit?
As I’m working through the issues that present themselves after losing Claire some things are beginning to strike me in quite a profound way. When something like this happens we seem to use phrases like “I’m at my wits end”,”I have nothing left”, “it’s all gone…” I know I have used these phrases myself several times and when I do I challenge myself to think about what I have said a little deeper and I think I’ve had it wrong for a while.
When we think in these ways it’s as though we are looking at our body as a finite vessel with finite emotions and finite resources. We seem to view it as though we have only a certain amount of forgiveness, love, respect, strength etc to carry on, but what a limiting way of viewing our infinitely resourceful selves.
I’m constantly challenged to dig deeper and deeper yet constantly surprised to find more and more. It just keeps coming – my ability, indeed our ability, to love, forgive, respect (Plus loads more) never ends. We’re not a finite vestle we are a bottomless pit, we aren’t born with resources that get used up, the truth is that they just keep on coming.
So if that’s true why don’t we dig deeper and deeper faster and faster? If all of these resources seem to replenish and keep on coming then let’s use as much as we can.
It is so inspiring to notice our own internal strength to keep going, I remember when I first started jogging I could go at a slow pace for 2 min at a time before I required a one-minute walking breather. By practising every other day, and pushing myself a little harder each time I soon got this 2 min up to 30 min, and then 40 min and then an hour. My body just kept on responding in an amazing way, the more I pushed the more it gave. I didn’t ask my body to do it it just responded, all I had to do was put in the effort and it just did it.
So as I’m finding that our mind responds in a similar way, and keeps on providing the resources we need in a never-ending pit of resourcefulness I’m going to keep digging, and the more I dig the strong I get and the stronger I get the harder I can dig.
If digging is the order of the day I’m off to exchange my little shovel for a great big JCB…
Comparing
Comparing
Through the power of the Internet I have been in contact with some amazing people that have inspired me and motivated me to make big changes in my life. I recently met up with Robin, he lost his wife just a few days before Claire died, we met up a couple of weeks ago for a lovely walk in the country and had a great lunch together, we shared our experiences and a good friendship has developed.
Robin also writes a blog about losing his beloved wife Sarah and last week he wrote this one… It touched me enormously.
It seems to me that our propensity to compare the past with now is something that we just do. But I wonder, if we stopped comparing how much more could we enjoy the now?
If we went out for dinner and a meal we eat is good, but not quite as good as the time we went before it is only because we have been comparing it that we are not enjoying it so much. If we just look at the meal in isolation, the meal we are eating right now, then we can enjoy it for what it is.
Yes, that is such a simple analogy, but it works doesn’t it?
Today is only a horrible day if we compare it with a previous day. If we don’t compare with anything that’s gone before we can truly enjoy where we are, where we are at, what we are doing and who we are with uniquely for the current experience of now.
And you know what, I actually don’t want to compare today with yesterday. As long as I compare my life now to my life with Claire it could always make today look grey. But the reality is that it is not. Today is just today and it can be enjoyed for being today. I’m living in an wonderful part of the world now, I enjoy fresh sea air daily and am eating the healthiest food I’ve ever had. The years I had with Claire were fabulous and I loved every single moment and it’s because I loved every single moment that I can enjoy today.Comparing today and indeed my future with my past isn’t respecting the years I had with Claire at all.
So I’m not going to compare any more, in fact there is no comparison, how can there be? Today is unique. The life I am living now is completely different to the life I lived before. There is no comparison, on December 7th 1985 When Claire and I first kissed a chapter in my life opened and when she died on April 17th 2013 it closed. That chapter was beautiful and comparing anything to that isn’t giving my life with Claire or the life I lead now the justice that either of them deserves.
With no comparing, today becomes wonderful, it’s beautiful and it is valued for what it is, in it’s own right without any comparison to what went before, we can then enjoy today and retain those wonderful memories of what went before.
This too shall pass
This too shall pass
I feel very strongly that I have turned a corner, a corner of acceptance, not necessarily acceptance of losing Claire but acceptance of the emotions attached to that. I’m still often overwhelmed with the love that I feel for her and then I become overwhelmed with loneliness and loss. I go from high to low in the blink of an eye.
I can wake up one morning and feel good, or I can wake up one morning and feel terrible.
One minute I can be focused on the task in hand and the next my mind can be wondering in 100 different directions.
I’ve reached a point of acceptance of these dichotomous emotions. They are the way things are, and each of them shall pass.
When I’m feeling good it keeps me grounded to know that things can change quite quickly and I will probably feel low again.
When I’m feeling low it keeps me hopeful to know that things can change quite quickly and I will feel happy again.
Whatever happens, however I feel at any given moment… This too shall pass.
What did Claire teach me?
What did Claire teach me?
When Claire was alive she gave herself wholly to me. She dedicated her life to looking after me, caring for me and taking care of me. I did the same for her.
I now have a choice, I can either forget all of that or I can take what I learnt from Claire and use it to help me as I go into my future, so what did I learn from her? What made Claire so special and what did she teach me? She taught me:
- To love with no strings attached, no hidden agendas, no mind games just straight forward and honest love.
- That when we give ourselves to others we receive far more in return.
- That tomorrow may never come, if it’s worth doing, do it today.
- To resolve all disagreements or arguments and never let them stew – we can’t control other people, but we can control our own response and we can forgive them even if they don’t forgive us.
- To keep going no matter what.
- To be aware of ourselves and our impact on the way we think and the way we perceive others.
- That scientific research is not the be all and end all, operator bias, confirmation bias, complexity and many other factors affect the validity of so-called ‘scientific’ proof. Sometimes we just ‘know’ what is true.
- To trust your heart as well as your head.
- That living by the sea really is a calming place to be.
- To take time for myself.
- To enjoy a decent bottle of wine.
All I can do now is bundle up that little box of learning, tie it with a neat bow (just as Claire would have done) tuck it under my arm and carry it with me for the rest of my life.
Thank you dear, you continue to be an inspiration to me.
Feeling Angry?
Feeling Angry?
I feel compelled to write this post as a response to some of the messages I’m getting and seeing at the moment. Normally I write about my own emotions and how I am dealing with them, I guess in some ways this post isn’t so different, but the reason for writing it is not to help myself, it’s to help others that seem to be struggling.
Anger seems to be a big issue with many people in my situation. Angry at the situation itself, angry at the turn of events that unfolded when their loved one died and indeed angry at their late partner for leaving them so early in life.
I can honestly say I feel none of this anger. I feel completely calm and relaxed in this respect, not because of my own ability to deal with anything better then anybody else but because I believe I have an understanding of how our mind works. What I would like to do in this blog post is share how I look at the situation, the turn of events and the fact that Claire left me so early in her life.
A difference between what we think happens and what really happens.
The easiest way to describe this is to put it into a diagram.
What we often think happens when we get angry (a behaviour) when something happens (external event) is that the external event MAKES us angry. Something happens, our blood begins to boil, our faces go red and we can feel the anger welling up inside. We seem to create a direct link between that external event and our own behaviour. The two seem inextricably linked… “That happened which makes me angry” – “they died and left me and that makes me angry” are a common thoughts.
But this is not what really happens, this is taking the external event and behaviour and not accepting that we’ve done anything with that external event in our head. It’s as though the event has led to a behaviour and we haven’t been part of that process, but we have haven’t we? We are completely part of it because we absorb that external event via our senses, we take everything we see, hear and feel about that external event, run it around inside our head which then leaves us with a behaviour.
So this is what really is happening.
What actually happens is that an external event enters our thought process via our senses. We then generalise things (“last time someone died then I felt this way”) we delete things we can’t make sense of, we have our own innate ways of doing things (“…this is just the way I handle life”), we have our own belief systems (you may believe that you deserve more, or that something is right or wrong… But who says?). You may have decided years ago that life wasn’t fair, this could be a limiting decision which has led to a limiting beliefs that your life is going to all go wrong, and when something negative happens it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy (“yeh, I knew something shit would happen”).
These are all filters inside your head, these filters completely change the reality of the external event. These filters give you an internal representation of that event in your head.
That internal representation changes your state, your blood boils, your heart races and you can feel the anger welling.
That state changes your physiology, your face becomes red, your fists clench and your stomach churns.
The physiology then affects your behaviour… You become angry.
So what is the answer?
This process happens in the blink of an eye but it’s like a steam train heading down the wrong track. Once that steam train gets momentum and heads down the wrong track there’s no stopping it, there’s nothing you can do, there is just an inevitability about the situation.
So the trick is to put in a set of points early on in the process so that that steam train can choose an alternate heading. If we divert the train early enough in the process it won’t regain the momentum and won’t end up in the destination called anger.
I find myself in an awful situation, the external event that happened to me is that I lost my beautiful Claire.
I know that there are things that I would generalise about that situation, I will delete things that I can’t make sense of, I have beliefs about the way my life should have turned out and I have a wonderful memories together. All of these act as filters in my mind and distort that original event. I know that I’m doing this. I know that I have created my own internal representation of that horrible external event.
Because I know that I have done this I can choose to put in a set of points and divert the steam train.
My reality of losing Claire is entirely constructed in my head and that is the only place that reality exists. And when you realise that, when you realise that your thoughts are just that… They are only thoughts. Your thoughts are not reality, reality happens outside of you and you make sense of it with thoughts.
Now you know this, now you know that the way you feel is because of your thoughts… Have that thought, recognise it as a thought, and let it go…
Where is there?
Where is there?
Since the New Year a few people have contacted me and asked me how I’m doing, my reply has been fairly standard – “I’m getting there”.
But where is ‘there’? Is ‘there’ a destination?
When I arrive there will I know, will I be able to say with all certainty that I have arrived where ever ‘there’ is and that everything is now better?
The reality is that this is not going to happen. Claire has gone and she is never coming back, the only resolution is if she was, the only way that I would get ‘there’ is if Claire came back… But she’s not going to so ‘there’ as a destination doesn’t exist.
‘There’ is the journey, it’s a journey which had a beginning but only ends when I do.
‘There’ is now the journey of my life, it’s the journey of all of our lives that knew Claire.
‘There’ isn’t the destination, it’s the process, the path, the experience.
‘There’ isn’t about feeling better or feeling worse, it’s simply about feeling.
‘There’ is all around us, it is us, it is life, this life – so yes… I’m getting ‘there’.