My Journey
Day 5 – Decisions, decisions
Day 5 – Decisions, decisions
Morning
Claire made all the decisions in our house, and like any good husband I just went along with them. It made for an easy life for both of us, there was never any friction… I just did what Claire told me to do and if she was happy I was happy.
But where do I go now to make decisions?
I feel completely lost today, like a direction less, headless chicken – wildly spinning in every direction.
Claire would have known what to do.
On the subject of decisions that Claire made. She booked a holiday for us all in July… but I’ve no idea where, how to pay the balance, who to contact or who in the family she booked it for!
Afternoon
I’ve done some work today. On the one hand it seems wrong that I just get on with things as if nothing has happened, but on the other hand it is a blessed relief and I can feel my mind welcoming the opportunity to light up some different neural pathways and think about something else.
Getting back to some work has really helped this afternoon. I think getting ‘a’ routine back is going to be really important – it just feels so wrong doing it without Claire!
Biggest Challenge today
Sorting out answer phone messages. Our good friend Katie popped over and sorted the answer phone messages out, there was one from Claire on there from last week which stung… thank you Katie for sorting that out for me…
Day 4 – Work has to change
Day 4 – Work has to change
0830 – I run 2 of my own companies, a marketing company and coaching company. Things need to change now. I was always able to work overseas or far away if needed, Claire was always supportive and didn’t mind me being away – she was one of life’s ‘copers’ who coped with ANYTHING – nothing was ever too much bother for her and she knew that my success would help us achieve our dreams (perhaps I’ll write about those sometime, but as yet that is too painful to consider).
If I am away who is going to sort out the kids? They need picking up and dropping off. Work has to change.
1030 – I’ve just taken the dog for a walk, a bright sunny day but I feel so, so, so empty. Almost like the worst hunger pain I’ve ever felt but just no way to get any sustenance. I love her so much.
1300 – I started writing this blog. A welcome distraction
I’ve also started to notice people posting to Claire’s Facebook page, telling her they love her and what a great friend she was. The kids are also posting each day talking to their mum.
Each time I read those posts I cry, they make me realise what a GREAT Mum she was and such a positive influence on other people too.
A tough day today…
Day 3 – The sun is shining
Day 3 – The sun is shining
The sun was shining this morning and that was the first time since Claire died, it wasn’t a sign or anything like that, but I just noticed the change in weather. The grief comes in huge waves, and all it needs is a simple trigger like the sun coming out… there seems to be no reason for it, no explanation and no way to stop it.
The kids are the same. Olivia (eldest daughter – 18) went to Tesco for some supplies and came back upset as it was always Claire that took her to the shops. We all have our own triggers that set us off!
Yesterday Olivia was struggling with a picture she had in her mind of Claire in the Chapel of Rest. I didn’t go but Claire’s Mum and Dad & Sister went and Olivia thought it might help her too. All she could see in her mind was Claire in the Chapel of Rest – I think she thought she’d look like she was simply asleep and was disturbed to find that Claire looked very different. I have a good friend that is a Master NLP & Hypnosis Coach, so she popped over to ‘mess with that picture’ in Olivia’s head and replace it with a nice happy one. It worked a treat!
My challenge today
Today it’s been the realisation that I’ll never have one of ‘our’ conversations again. We were both very much in to psychology – Claire from a formal educative background (She had a Bsc Hons in Psychology and was part way through an Msc in Counselling Psycholology) and me from a Neuro Linguistic Programming and Hypnosis angle.
We’d talk deeply about how some people ‘project’ on to others, and how important it is to become ‘self aware’ at an early point in life. We both knew that most people never understand either of those concepts… we both did and could talk for hours.
We just ‘got’ each other. There was such a deep understanding between us that has developed over the past 30 years together and I miss those convesations where we could both offload so much.. I so want to offload what’s on my mind right now and the only person in the world I can do that with isn’t here. The pain is just so immense right now.
My progress today
I slept last night and got some respite from the pain.