My Journey
Forever Doesn’t Exist
Forever Doesn’t Exist
When Claire and I got married we thought we would be together forever, but what does forever really mean?
If you are with someone you love, do you really think you will be together for ever?
Will you actually die in each other’s arms? That’s the reality, unless you die at exactly the same time then one of you will have to face the fact that forever comes to an end, one of you will have to face the reality that forever doesn’t exist.
it can be an extremely difficult thing to accept, but it’s one that is the truth.
If you’re feeling brave, here’s a video to challenge you…
Making time to grieve
Making time to grieve
Do you make time for grief? If you give yourself time and space… and by that I mean a specific time and space. I’ve found that it helps soooooo much in the grieving process!
Let me know what you think in the comments below.
Separating the emotions of the death of a loved one from the event itself
Separating the emotions of the death of a loved one from the event itself
Often, when we think about feeling happy again, after the death of a loved one it can feel almost disrespectful to their memory – here’s what worked for me.
Happy Silver Wedding Anniversary My Love
Happy Silver Wedding Anniversary My Love
On this day, 25 years ago, I married my childhood sweetheart.
My my, things have worked out rather differently to what we planned.
It’s the 15th June every year that I find most difficult, all other anniversaries such as birthdays, Christmas and even the anniversary of Claire passing I find okay. All of these anniversaries are related to events that other people shared with me… But our anniversary is the one single day which Claire and I shared between the two of us.
It’s our day.
We planned that day.
We decided what happened on that day.
We genuinely began our lives together on that day.
And on that day, every year I remember the love that we shared and the hopes and aspirations that we had for each other.
I feel truly sad.
Yet thinking about today I genuinely feel neither alone nor lonely now. I feel content. I’m happy. I love life.
Holding these emotions all at the same time has been a challenge and it’s a challenge that continues with me on my journey.
Extreme sadness and extreme happiness at the same time.
A sense of loss and a sense of finding at the same time.
A sense that everything went wrong and a sense that everything is going right at the same time.
These apparent contradictions are, in my opinion, necessary to continue to enjoy life. If the contradictions stop then I have either forgotten what we had or stopped enjoying the way things are.
Happy 25th wedding anniversary, Claire. Always with me, always part of my life and always loved.
Children’s Grief Awareness Week
Children’s Grief Awareness Week
I’ve not written many blog posts here recently, but I feel compelled to do so as part of children’s grief awareness week, which is currently running in the UK. I’m continually amazed by the number of people that continue to read this website and send me messages about their own loss, so many of those people have children and I’d like to make this blog post a pure resource for those people and their kids.
“Grief will always be difficult. But its important to know that life still goes on” #childrensgriefawareness
Posted by Child Bereavement UK on Sunday, 22 November 2015
It’s so important that the children in bereaved families are offered support, but where does one turn? To be honest, none of the professionals offered us anything when Claire died so the responsibility falls to the carers of those parents to find suitable support for those kids. I had no idea where to go to find support for the children, if you’re reading this and have recently lost someone then I hope you find it useful.
“Don’t be afraid to let your emotion out” – Kayley, 14 #childrensgriefawareness
Posted by Child Bereavement UK on Monday, 23 November 2015
Where to go for support after a parent dies
Child Bereavement UK supports families and educates professionals when a baby or child of any age dies or is dying, or when a child is facing bereavement. Our vision is for all families to have the support they need to rebuild their lives.
Returning to work after the death of your baby or child, guidance for employees.
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childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk
The Childhood Bereavement Network (CBN) is the hub for those working with bereaved children, young people and their families across the UK. We underpin our members’ work with essential support and representation: bringing them together across localities, disciplines and sectors to improve bereavement care for children.
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griefencounter.org.ukWe support bereaved children and their families to help alleviate the pain caused by the death of someone close. Our services are free, funded through the generosity of our supporters.
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Grief Support App
We support bereaved children and their families to help alleviate the pain caused by the death of someone close. Our services are free, fThe app has been created by a group of bereaved young people working with leading bereavement charity Child Bereavement UK.
It has been developed for 11-25 year olds who have been bereaved of someone important to them. It can also be used by friends, teachers, parents and professionals who would like to know how to support bereaved young people.
The app has information about:
- bereavement
- grief
- feelings
- how others can help
It includes a built-in notepad so you can write down how you are feeling and also links to Child Bereavement UK’s website where you can use search facilities to find other support organisations near you.
It includes stories from bereaved young people as well as short films that they have written and made. The app, which can be downloaded from the App Store free of charge, aims to help bereaved young people feel less alone and to inspire others on how to support them.
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Nelson’s Journey is a charity dedicated to supporting bereaved children and young people throughout Norfolk.
Based in Norwich, we were founded in 1997, since which time we have helped hundreds of children between the age of 0 to 17, who have experienced the death of a significant person in their life e.g. parent or sibling
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cruse.org.ukCruse Bereavement Care is here to support you after the death of someone close. If someone you know has died and you need to talk, call us on 0844 477 9400 (costs apply).
Face-to-face and group support is delivered by trained bereavement support volunteers across the UK.
We also offer information, publications, and support for children.
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‘Bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the unbereaved.’
Iris Murdoch (British Novelist and Philosopher, 1919-1999)
Talking about dying makes it more likely that you, or your loved one, will die as you might have wished and it will make it easier for your loved ones if they know you have had a ‘good death’.
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The final point I’d like to make is that if you find yourself in this horrendous situation, you’re not alone. There IS help out there, just reach out and you’ll find it…
2 Years
2 Years
The last time I wrote a blog post was exactly one year ago. It’s now two years since Claire passed away and I’m still getting so many people contact me as a result of this blog. So why am I writing another blog post two years to the day that Claire died?
When I first created this blog I didn’t know why I did it. It just seemed like a natural thing to do, a natural thing to write and tell the world how I was doing. My head is clearer now, that mist of uncertainty has lifted and I’m clear about the purpose of this blog post.
Why write this?
2 reasons:
- I want people to know that I’m okay.
- I want people in my situation to know that their future can be bright.
It’s only been two years but I honestly feel at peace. That’s not to say I don’t feel sad, that’s not to say I don’t miss Claire but it is to say that I feel at peace with the situation.
Feeling at peace is about accepting NOW as it truly is. But what is NOW?
I’m not talking about the big life picture, I’m not talking about feeling lonely ( I don’t by the way), I’m not talking about facing life without a wife, I’m not talking about money worries or any other worries… What I mean by NOW is this exquisite moment. This instantaneous and fleeting moment is all that we have in life. Every moment is unique and in isolation every moment has no worries at all.
If we think this moment does have worries it’s because there is resistance. We are resisting one of two things:
- Our memories from the past. These memories are flawed, they aren’t the actual past they are just the way our brains have encoded sights, sounds & feelings. Those memories have bits missing and bits added and it’s impossible for us to know which is which.
- Our expectations of the future. Our expectations are flawed, they are created in our own head, they are illusions of the way we think our life should be.
Both our past and our future are constructions in our own mind. They are not reality, they either haven’t happened yet or they are flawed re-creations of what has been. We worry when there is resistance and comparison between the past or the future and the NOW.
It’s all created in our head. All of those worries don’t exist in this unique moment. The instant we let go of comparing NOW, our worries disappear.
That’s not to say that the life situation changes or gets resolved, but it is to say that the way we perceive that life situation changes dramatically. It becomes accepted as the way it is and the negative emotions surrounding that situation change, we can still take action to change the life situation but no longer feel the worry. It’s like being stuck in the mud, if we panic and stress then the situation gets worse. The moment we calm down and accept that we are stuck in the mud, in other words we accept the NOW, we can begin to make a plan to change things in a calm and relaxed manner.
I came across this recently and it’s changed my life. The first verse is what got me…
This human birth is precious,
An opportunity to awaken.
But this body is impermanent;
Ready or not, one day I shall die.
So this life I must know
As the tiny splash of a raindrop.
A thing of beauty that disappears
Even as it comes into being.
The karma I create,
Shapes the course of my life.
But however I act
Life always has difficulties;
No-one can control it all.
Only acceptance of the now
can free me and others
From suffering forever.
Therefore I recall
My heart’s longing for freedom,
And resolve to make use
Of every day and night
To realise it.
This human birth that we have all experienced genuinely is an opportunity to awaken. We can choose to use the opportunity to live in a world of negativity but I’m choosing not to. I’m choosing to accept that death is part of life. It’s not natural to lose a partner so young, but our bodies are impermanent, ready or not one day we shall die.
So as I live my life as a tiny splash of a raindrop, knowing that as a thing of beauty it will disappear one day I’m choosing to except the now and free myself from suffering forever. I’m experiencing so many things in glorious technicolour, living each day moment by moment, noticing that this tiny splash of a raindrop is impermanent and will pass.
If you’re friends with me on Facebook you’ll probably notice my passion for food. Eating locally sourced and organic food has become a real passion. Every mouthful represents a single raindrop. Every mouthful is impermanent and it’s a thing of beauty, I’m going to enjoy every one!
Okay, when I make a cup of coffee it takes me a while to get the water to 90°, then measure to get 15g of coffee to 250ml water, then wait for 2 1/2 min, then allow the temperature to drop to the perfect 42°… But I want to experience everything at its best, why settle for crap?
This birth is an opportunity to awaken, awaken to food, to life, to music, to experiences, to friendships, to rest, to holidays, to DANCING!…
If you’re reading this, I implore you to make use of every day and night to realise your hearts longing for freedom, just as I am reminding myself to do right now as I remember my beautiful wife.
So, may the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding guard your hearts and minds forever. xxx
The End
The End
It’s been a year to the day that Claire left this world, a year to the day that my life changed irrevocably. It’s been quite a journey this past year – many, many tears, much thought, much learning and a huge amount of reflection.
When I first started this blog I had no idea where it was going, all I knew was that I would use it daily to help me on my journey, that was what I did – but it’s ended up being far more than that.
This website has connected people from around the world, each person that has contacted me has been put in touch with friends that are going through the same things. This has resulted in meeting some amazing people that have travelled from around the UK and the world to visit me and others – thanks espescially to Grettel who travelled from New Mexico!
We’ve even had two people that lost partners become a loving couple as a result of meeting via this blog… yes, this blog has helped those in mourning and helped find love for those that have lost partners – I never expected any of that!
From a personal point of view this site has helped me over the loss of my lovely wife Claire, it has helped me come to terms with what it means to loose a loving partner… but I now know that I’ve turned a corner.
What I need to do now is to reclaim my life for my own. To work on ME, to begin to live life again – not as part of a couple with Claire, but as me… Mark, a unique and happy individual – and all of that is a very private and personal journey that will only be shared with people very close to me in my life. It’s a natural stage to go through, and one that I must do without sharing publicly.
When I first registered this domain name I was aware that a time would come when it no longer felt appropriate. When I started I truly was lost without Claire, but now I feel different. I’m on a journey to finding the new me and so the word ‘lost’ doesn’t fit with my journey any more and so this will be the last post I write.
It will be the last post, not because my journey is over, but because it is just beginning. It is beginning in a new vein, a new light and a new path. I’m no longer lost, I’m on a journey to being found and so it feels right to say goodbye to this part of that journey. I refuse to live life in the past, I will respect it and cherish those amazing happy memories and use those times to build a new life for myself.
I’d like to say thank you so much for your interaction with this blog over the past year – here are some stats that might amaze you – to date we’ve had:
- 36,880 visit to the site
- Visitors from 142 countries
- 6232 website shares
- 402 likes on Facebook
- 309 people comment on a post
- 24 people join a Facebook support group for the recently bereaved
- 2 people fall in love and begin to rebuild their lives together via the support group
And so, now it is my time to finish off this last post.
I will continue to grow.
I will continue to develop.
I will continue to live my life to the fullest possible with the love and support of those people closest to me, and if you are one of those people – thank you, I love you from the bottom of my heart!
I wish…
I wish…
I wish…
Actually I don’t. I refuse to go down the thought pattern of “I wish…” there are so many possibilities that I could wish for, I could wish Claire had never died, I could wish she’d been taken to the doctor earlier, I could wish she had fought harder to stay alive, I could wish I had come home early for work and gone to the hospital with her. All of those wishes are false hopes, all of those wishes will never come true and therefore all of those wishes are pointless and downright damaging, they lead to a world of blame and guilt which is totally unhealthy.
Living in the world of “I wish…” is a world surrounded by the past, it’s a world where nothing moves on, it’s a world that is locked in a place which is contrary to the truth and what actually happened.
“I wish…” is a very destructive thought pattern and I refuse to go there.
“I wish…” also damages the future. Living in the past by saying “I wish…” means we can feel guilty about enjoying life to come. It means feeling guilty about moving forwards in life, feeling happy, meeting a new partner, moving house and enjoying things again… And all because we are living in the past.
You can honor your past
You can treasure your past
You can and should love your past
You do not have to live in your past
So do I wish it had all never happened? Well, to be honest, I refuse to answer that question. I refuse to be drawn into the world of negativity wishing things hadn’t happened when actually they did. My answer? Deal with what has happened and stop wishing for something else to happen that is an impossibility… That is a world of misery, despair and with no end.
“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”
I know I have shared this poem several times before, indeed I read it out at Claire’s funeral but the reason I have shared it is because it is so true. I’m living my life now full of the love I shared with Claire, being happy for tomorrow because of everything she gave to me, I cherish her memory in photographs and in wearing my wedding ring and I let it live on in the same, I’m doing what she would want, smiling, opening my eyes, loving and going on.
“I still love you Claire and always will”
xxx
Swimming
Swimming
The journey I am on is a journey with a very distinct beginning, yet it is a journey without an end. Imagine walking down the beach towards the sea, taking the first tentative step as the waves break around your feet and walking out deeper and deeper into the ocean. As the water surrounds you you realise at some point you need to start swimming and so you just swim, further and further away from the shoreline. The further you get from where you were the more lost you become until eventually the shoreline, and everything you know disappears completely from view. As you lose sight of where you were, you have no idea which direction to go in, and so you have only one option, keep swimming, keep swimming.
And whilst that analogy holds true we wouldn’t really do that would we, we wouldn’t just walk out into the sea and begin swimming. If we wanted to swim the English Channel we would have a support vessel, we’d cover our bodies in a protective layer to keep us warm, we would inform the Coast Guard of where we were going, we would avoid all the large ships which crossed our path and eventually, with the aid of everything around us we would reach the other side.
And yet, even with all this help, I’m sure that when the sight of land disappears behind us and has yet to appear in front of us, it could seem as though we are in the middle of the channel with nothing but pain and torture in front of us. It’s only the sheer determination to keep going that would keep us on our path to the other side.
The difference with grief is that there isn’t another side, there isn’t a destination. There is only the journey. And yet, with the support of those around us, our own internal resources and the sheer determination that we all possess. We can just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.
And as I keep on swimming it becomes easier to accept that this is my life now, it becomes easier to accept that I can no longer see the shoreline from where I started. It was a lovely shoreline, I spent many happy years relaxing on it and enjoying being there, but it’s gone, it has disappeared from sight and will never return.
I’ve no idea which way to go on this journey, I’m just going to pick a direction and keep tenaciously swimming, accepting the help of those around me to act as my support vessel and just keep on going until the glorious day that grief turns in to love and I sight land head.
Dealing with Grief
Dealing with Grief
I thought in this post I would share some of my own experiences of dealing with grief, and I mean dealing with grief, not living with it, not ignoring it, not pushing it to one side as if it doesn’t exist, but actually dealing with it on a day-to-day basis, or even a minute-to-minute basis.
I guess it comes from spending two years developing myself that I know we all experience significant emotional events in our life at some point, these can have huge impacts on the way we view things in the future. We all know that we have beliefs about ourselves and some of those beliefs are empowering (I am good enough, I am strong) and some of those beliefs are disempowering (I don’t deserve it, I’m not worth it). From the moment the consultant came into that little room and told me that Claire had died I knew this was a significant emotional event where one of those limiting and damaging beliefs could easily have been adopted.
“I don’t deserve this”, “why did it happen to me”, “I’m worth more than this”, “she’s worth more than this”, “she doesn’t deserve it”… All would be easy thoughts to adopt yet all are dis-empowering decisions and beliefs.
I knew that from the moment I was told that I no longer had a wife any decision I made had to be empowering. I had to continue with life and I knew that from the second the consultant told me.
Not one single day, and I mean not one single day has passed without me working on myself. Every thought, every emotion, every single nagging idea that has dared to enter my brain has been dealt with. I’m working on the way I think 24 hours a day (and yes, I believe that my unconscious mind is also working on it whilst I am asleep).
The decision I made when Claire died was that I had to deal with it and I had to continue to live my life in a way that respected the 28 wonderful years I spent with Claire. Pushing those thoughts, emotions and nagging ideas to one side and not dealing with them has never been an option for me. I have faced them all head on and at the beginning they were hitting me literally every minute. Every minute of every day I was being pummelled with these thoughts, but because I have dealt with them as they have arrived things are much quieter now. My program of self development with NLP and Hypnosis gave me a toolbox of techniques, ideas and thinking patterns that have allowed me to work on those thought processes – no longer do I fill up that great big dustbin of negativity that so many people carry around on their backs all day, getting heavier and heavier as the years go by – in fact I went in to this whole process with a dustbin that had had a hand grenade chucked in it to completely clean it out, and as the days go by I refuse to fill that dustbin up again… it remains as clean today as it has ever been.
I genuinely feel at peace, those negative emotions and thoughts have almost stopped. Instead, they have been replaced by love. Love for everything that Claire was, everything that she did for me, everything that she did for the children and indeed immense love for her as my wife and best friend. I would much rather welcome those thoughts and emotions into my mind and allow them to live there rather than all of the negative ones.
If we are to make room for all of the positivity then we need to deal with the negativity. I continue to do so and will continue for the rest of my life.