Year: 2020
Do widows celebrate a wedding anniversary? – You bet we do!
Do widows celebrate a wedding anniversary? – You bet we do!
TRANSCRIPT:
Hello, and welcome to a video from me, Mark at Lost Without Her. It’s been quite some considerable time since I posted a video. And as ever these are motivated or stimulated by conversations that I have with other people.
I saw a post the other day on one of the widows and widowers forums about wedding anniversaries and celebrating, if that’s the right word, but thinking about our wedding anniversaries. And I know from my perspective, that our wedding anniversary was a day that I found immensely difficult after Claire had died, because that was the one day in the year which was uniquely ours.
Her birthday was, Claire’s birthday, my birthday, was my birthday, we may have done different things on those days but our wedding anniversary was a day that was us, we, together. So those wedding anniversaries after she died were so difficult to deal with.
I saw someone on one of these forums saying, “It’s my wedding anniversary coming up, I just don’t know how I’m going to cope. This is awful, this happens every year and I can’t celebrate it anymore.” And this just brought to mind for me, the book, The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle, I really strongly recommend you read it. He talks about living in the now, in the moment.
We only have stress and problems in the now, when we compare it to the past or when we compare to the future. And the past is just a series of encoded messages that we’ve got in our brain, we’ve deleted, distorted, generalized things that we’ve had in the past, and we may not actually remember the exact things as they were. So we’ve just got this kind of distorted memory in our brain, we remember what we kind of want to remember. And the future hasn’t happened yet, we’re just creating a future in our mind.
So the past is in our mind and the future is in our mind. And when we consider the now, the past and the future, if we don’t compare them to now, they disappear, we can have a truly good experience – now.
I want you to think about your wedding anniversary, that if I think about my wedding anniversary and I take myself back to that day, and if you do this now, see what you saw, hear what you heard and feel those emotions of being in that day.
It feels fabulous, it feels amazing.
It’s beautiful, it’s wonderful.
It’s such a good feeling.
And feeling that is like living in the now, but as it was for me 29 years ago.
And as I remember that day, it only becomes difficult if I compare to what is going on at this moment.
If I go back to that day and imagine, Oh yes, well, Claire’s going to die in 25 years from now, how horrible. Yes, my memory, my living that experience of that day, gets destroyed, gets upset.
But if I just celebrate that day for being in that day, everything that it brought me, all the wondrous feelings and emotions, it’s beautiful.
And that’s what I challenge you to do.
If your wedding anniversary is coming up, remember that day, that beautiful wondrous day and celebrate that day in the context of that day with all the emotions in that day.
And then you may decide to come back to now and experience a completely different world to the one you thought, but when you celebrate your wedding anniversary, truly celebrate it without connecting it to your past or future.
And this is the power of now.
Advice for grief
Advice for grief
I’m absolutely blown away by this. I asked a simple question on twitter:
“If you were to give a single piece of advice to a new griever on their journey, what would it be?”
I have been absolutely inundated with replies… Yes, inundated! So much fabulous advice about how to cope with the death of someone you love, coming from people who have been there!
Read these replies, and use them in any way you can…
Cry when the waves of grief begin and this will ease the pain
— Helen Hannington💙 (@HHannington01) October 13, 2020
Be T-R-U-E to Y-O-U and go with your G-U-T 💕 I have found that my G-U-T has been like an extrasensory perception and has not let me down, as yet x
— The Sunflower Widow (@SallyCarline7) October 12, 2020
Grief is exhausting. Crying and sleeping will dominate the early days. Don’t expect to remember anything that doesn’t involve your spouse for the first year maybe 2 and be kind to yourself.
— Emma Davies (@EmmEDavies) October 12, 2020
Save memories by writing in a journal thoughts that come to mind. Backup photos/audio electronic recordings. Walk in a park with trees each day. Find a grief counselor. Ask hospice about it, they might help.
— Alex (@spiraldream) October 12, 2020
Grief is an endless journey…sometimes the path will be lit with beautiful memories that will assist you, sometimes you will feel very alone, scared and in the darkest part of that journey. But it is a path that must be travelled.
— Michelle Harvey Life Celebrant (@michharvey68) October 13, 2020
Just be you. Don’t listen to people who say I know how you feel. They don’t, as everyone grieves differently. They may have experienced loss, but everyone experiences it in their own way. Stay busy and take it one day at a time. Remember the wonderful times. She would like that.
— JimmyJohnson (@CoachJPJohnson) October 12, 2020
You may experience anger, even directly towards the lost loved one. You may feel abandoned, cheated, etc. Whatever your feelings are, they are valid parts of grief. They are also temporary so try to avoid making any permanent decisions when overwhelmed.
— Sonya Dawson (@sonya_dawson) October 13, 2020
Take a little time each day to walk in their shoes & remember them. Make a recipe they enjoyed, watch something they loved or listen to their favorite song, wear that shirt they always complimented you on, spend some time with their favorite items, &keep sharing their stories. 💕
— Brooklynn nélle (@brooklynnnelle) October 14, 2020
Be kind to yourself, each day is different & don’t let anyone make you feel like you are grieving “wrong”. This is your journey 😘
— Kelli Smith, MBA (@Kelli1Smith) October 12, 2020
Go easy on yourself. You WILL make mistakes in your grief. Find a few trusted friends to bounce ideas off of because your judgment will be clouded.
— Wondering Widower (@PreacherWorking) October 12, 2020
Someone close to you is going to do or say something stupid. Let it go. They meant well and you don’t need to carry anything more. Accept help. Accept love.
— Alicia King (@thegrieflady) October 13, 2020
Grief is an endless journey…sometimes the path will be lit with beautiful memories that will assist you, sometimes you will feel very alone, scared and in the darkest part of that journey. But it is a path that must be travelled.
— Michelle Harvey Life Celebrant (@michharvey68) October 13, 2020
Have no expectations of what grief looks like, because it ebbs and flows, expands and shrinks and can take you by surprise. There is no right or wrong way to grieve
— Worboys Writes (@KayWorboys) October 13, 2020
You may experience anger, even directly towards the lost loved one. You may feel abandoned, cheated, etc. Whatever your feelings are, they are valid parts of grief. They are also temporary so try to avoid making any permanent decisions when overwhelmed.
— Sonya Dawson (@sonya_dawson) October 13, 2020
Cry when the waves of grief begin and this will ease the pain
— Helen Hannington💙 (@HHannington01) October 13, 2020
Find a widow/widower community to be part of – whether in real life or online. Other widows and widowers truly get it in a way other, well meaning people don’t. Also, the movie “Sleepless in Seattle” got a lot right about grief and grieving and solo parenting during grief.
— Janean Baird (@turquoisetangle) October 12, 2020
Think what the person you lost would want you to do? Which is NOT sit and dwell, get depressed and personally my worst point..want to join them. Things do get better, it took me a while but I believe I am now a better person for it….strangely! Remember the good times! ❤️
— GB (@GraemeBrownlfc) October 13, 2020
Someone close to you is going to do or say something stupid. Let it go. They meant well and you don’t need to carry anything more. Accept help. Accept love.
— Alicia King (@thegrieflady) October 13, 2020
It would be to move your body… I didn’t .. I stayed in because I didn’t want to see anyone. It has lead to feelings of isolation and with C-19 now in our lives a form of agoraphobia.
— Davina Rivers (@DavinaRivers) October 12, 2020
That grief has no time limit and you don’t have to be brave. Remember them, speak of them, love them xxx
— dtgirl (@dtgirl) October 12, 2020
That grief takes as long as it wants to. It will get less raw, but you will feel it forever, because love lasts forever. But, I promise you, you will smile again. It’s okay. Be kind to yourself.
— PAULA T. (@PTOWPS) October 12, 2020
Shrink your time frame. If you can’t imagine getting through the week, concentrate on the day. Or the hour. 💚
— Cooper McCoope (@CooperMccoope) October 12, 2020
People are well intentioned but clumsy with their words. This is very hard to navigate.
— Sarah (@Henryz_mom) October 12, 2020
Grief is exhausting. Some days accomplishing just one thing will be a victory. Some days even that won’t be possible.
— Sarah (@Henryz_mom) October 12, 2020
Grief is a journey, not a destination. And, life does improve over time. Even if you do t believe it will, it will.
— Rachel G Greenberg (@ConnectionsHope) October 12, 2020
Don’t be surprised if close family and friends abandon you.
— Rachel Wakefield (@mrbojanglessss) October 12, 2020
Go easy on yourself. Give in to it; grief lets you know when it’s ready to let go of you. Take solace in the things you can and wait. Eventually it gets a little easier. x
— Good Grief Gift Co (@GriefCo) October 12, 2020
Be “kind” to yourself. Your grief is your own. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. 💚
— Kathryn Minck Woods (@kgminck11) October 12, 2020
Go with it. Accept the waves of hurt, and be kind to yourself, every day.
— Sally (@sparky023rays) October 12, 2020
There’s no ‘right way’ / correct length of time in which to mourn. Find places & people w/ whom you can talk honestly about your relationship w/ the person who has died. The ‘stages’ of grief aren’t linear, you may move back & forward or feel some feelings simultaneously.
— Tamsin Embleton (@TamsinEmbleton) October 12, 2020
Grief is exhausting. Some days accomplishing just one thing will be a victory. Some days even that won’t be possible.
— Sarah (@Henryz_mom) October 12, 2020
You never get over it but learn to live with it. Hang in there ❤
— Niall Tuohy 🏁🇮🇪 (@niallptuohy) October 12, 2020
Give yourself the time a space to experience all of the emotions that will engulf you over the coming months.
— Toby Masson (@Vikkelspies) October 12, 2020
There’s no ‘right way’ / correct length of time in which to mourn. Find places & people w/ whom you can talk honestly about your relationship w/ the person who has died. The ‘stages’ of grief aren’t linear, you may move back & forward or feel some feelings simultaneously.
— Tamsin Embleton (@TamsinEmbleton) October 12, 2020
Sometimes it will feel like a physical pain…. you’ll go through the motions but there will be a time when you smile and notice that you feel happy… that’s a good feeling 💜
— Charlotte Lindley (@lottelindley) October 12, 2020
There’s no ‘right way’ / correct length of time in which to mourn. Find places & people w/ whom you can talk honestly about your relationship w/ the person who has died. The ‘stages’ of grief aren’t linear, you may move back & forward or feel some feelings simultaneously.
— Tamsin Embleton (@TamsinEmbleton) October 12, 2020
That grief has no time limit and you don’t have to be brave. Remember them, speak of them, love them xxx
— dtgirl (@dtgirl) October 12, 2020
Be gentle with yourself. Don’t worry about what others say you should be doing or feeling. Grief is an individual journey that only you can take. #bekindtoyourself
— Lisa (@lisa_belllisa) October 12, 2020
Seek professional help when depression sets in. Knowing the tell tale signs to help understand your life is careering out of control.
— The Shires (@Tim_C66) October 12, 2020
There is no correct way to grieve. Your grief will not look like another’s grief.
— Katie (@katiegirl5) October 12, 2020
Your grief journey is bespoke.
— TTNeb (@ZH956) October 12, 2020
Don’t push yourself in the early days. Allow yourself the space you need to cry, sit in silence or whatever you feel you want to do.
Bonus advice: Checkout @goodgrieftrust for information in your area for help & support when you feel ready.
When you’re getting out of bed in the morning,plant your feet on the floor and say “ I’m going to make the best of today” … the “ best” could be washing your face … there’s no pressure. At the end of the day tell yourselves you did your best. Hope that makes sense
— Katharine Ross (@kat2171) October 12, 2020
There’s no ‘right way’ / correct length of time in which to mourn. Find places & people w/ whom you can talk honestly about your relationship w/ the person who has died. The ‘stages’ of grief aren’t linear, you may move back & forward or feel some feelings simultaneously.
— Tamsin Embleton (@TamsinEmbleton) October 12, 2020
Be kind to yourself. Grief can be mentally, emotionally and physically taxing. It is you who gets through this, so give yourself the love and care you deserve for carrying yourself through this.
— Sangeeta (@socialworkersan) October 12, 2020
Grief is exhausting. Crying and sleeping will dominate the early days. Don’t expect to remember anything that doesn’t involve your spouse for the first year maybe 2 and be kind to yourself.
— Emma Davies (@EmmEDavies) October 12, 2020
Be kind to yourself, there is no time limit to grief. It’s raw and sadly it’s the gift that keeps giving, mostly when you least expect it. I had blood tests to try and find out why I was always tired. It was ‘just’ grief. Take care xx
— Lisa Holmes (@LisseyHolmes) October 12, 2020
Shrink your time frame. If you can’t imagine getting through the week, concentrate on the day. Or the hour. 💚
— Cooper McCoope (@CooperMccoope) October 12, 2020
Beware of the “bandaid relationship”….that jump-in-quick-to-stop-the-bleeding relationship. Been there, done that…got the “scars” to prove it. Be patient. Be gentle with yourself. Watch your money like a hawk! My best, dear one. 🙏
— The Grief Maven (@GriefMaven) October 12, 2020
Grief is exhausting. Crying and sleeping will dominate the early days. Don’t expect to remember anything that doesn’t involve your spouse for the first year maybe 2 and be kind to yourself.
— Emma Davies (@EmmEDavies) October 12, 2020
Sometimes it will feel like a physical pain…. you’ll go through the motions but there will be a time when you smile and notice that you feel happy… that’s a good feeling 💜
— Charlotte Lindley (@lottelindley) October 12, 2020
There’s no ‘right way’ / correct length of time in which to mourn. Find places & people w/ whom you can talk honestly about your relationship w/ the person who has died. The ‘stages’ of grief aren’t linear, you may move back & forward or feel some feelings simultaneously.
— Tamsin Embleton (@TamsinEmbleton) October 12, 2020
How to deal with the pain of a loved one dying
How to deal with the pain of a loved one dying
Sometimes these things just come to me, this was one of those times, so I created a video…
Transcript
I just want to share a little technique that I use for dealing with the pain of grief and loss and I view it like a fire and the fire is there. And sometimes the fire may be raging hot, I know really painful if we get too close. And sometimes the fire may die down and just be some simmering embers.
And sometimes we may sit in the fire and get too close and get absolutely burnt and scalded by the pain of grief. But the important thing is that we face the fire, and that we face the pain and the hurt of the loss. Because when we face it, we can see what that fire is doing.
And if that fire of pain rages up, we can draw a bit further away and say it’s too close. I’m too close. It’s too painful at the moment, but I can still see it there.
And when the flames died down, we can draw closer and we can say, “well I might actually might like to look a bit more in detail of this.” But if we choose to turn the other way, and face the opposite direction to the fire and the fire is behind us, that fire can be doing anything it can be starting to rage. And the first thing we know is that when we start to burn, our back is burning and so we turn around and we say “no fire, get down, get down, get down”, and then we turn the other way again.
But whilst we turn the other way, the fire flares up again and starts to burn and we turn back and “Get down Get down”, and we are never doing what we need to be doing to deal with the fire and the flames and the pain. So just turn towards it. We can draw closer. If it’s too painful we can move further away.
We can decide to inspect the embers.
We can decide to move back and say let the flames rage. But we face the fire. We face the pain all of the time.
Let me know in the comments what you think.
Book about grief
Book about grief
What an incredibly strange couple of weeks it’s been. I’m writing this as we come out of the Covid-19 lockdown, it’s been a time of social isolation and not much paid work so it’s been an opportunity to work on other projects, of which I have many, you know me!
One of those projects has been my book. I just checked back in my notes and I originally planned to publish it in 2017, I’m only running 3 years late…
After a couple of conversations with other self published authors I decided to self publish on Ingramspark, in hindsight it’s actually a fairly simple process but trying to learn that processes has been rather challenging.
As of 26th of June 2020 the book is now available for pre-order on Amazon in Kindle format and I have my first physical proof of the paperback on its way from the printers.
I’m filled with emotion about the publishing of this. On the one hand I’m exceptionally excited to be able to help so many other people, if just one person reads the book and is helped, then it will be worthwhile.
On the other hand, I’m so desperately sad that I’ve had this experience in the first place.
2 completely different emotions, held side-by-side, hand-in-hand and with no conflict.
And isn’t that a lesson to learn?
- Yes, the whole experience of Claire dying has been a living, waking hell.
- Yes, I would never choose to go through it.
- Yes, I miss her desperately.
And yet…
- I’ve spent so much time on rebuilding my life that I’m loving it, enjoying it to the full and have few regrets.
- I would never choose to go through it, and I know that is now part of who I am, and my experiences have been integrated into the new me, and I like the new me.
- It’s possible to still miss Claire desperately, and that the same time, love again without compromising ‘then’ or ‘now’.
2 completely different emotions, held side-by-side, hand-in-hand and with no conflict.
There’s always a lesson to be learned from every situation, sometimes we just need to dig in order to find it…