When I feel low I write. Writing helps me make sense of everything, it helps me put things in order.
It’s the loneliness that is truly getting to me at the moment, I’m not talking about being alone, I’m talking about being lonely. When I married Claire I meant every single word of our vows, I completely and utterly gave myself to her and I know she did to me also. From that moment, when the Rev David Pytches joined our hands together and raised them high, two people became one. And that was how we lived.
Claire has been gone eight months and I still talk about ‘we’. “WE moved to Dorset because…”, “WE bought this house because…” – it is just ingrained into my every thought and my every action that we do this together.
The result of living like this for 22 years is that I still want to share everything with her. When I see the waves crashing against the shoreline in the middle of the storm it only seems to have significance because I could talk about it with Claire. When I taste a glorious bottle of the finest red wine, it tastes so good because I could share that experience with Claire. Without sharing there seems to be no significance.
What’s the point of seeing a beautiful sunset if there’s no one to share it with?
What’s the point of enjoying a lovely meal if there’s no one to share it with?
Sharing is me, sharing digs to the root of who I am and without the ability to do that it seems to rock my identity. I don’t know who I am any more.
I can’t see any immediate resolution to it.
I guess time will find a way.
This part is written with the exact same loneliness emotion in mind but I want to tackle it from a different perspective. I met with a wonderful friend the other day, our situations are different but we share similar experiences of loss, she wrote to me today:
“I’ve developed a stronger and deeper relationship with [family and friends] that I wouldn’t have had… and that has enriched my life enormously”
This statement made me stop in my tracks. Of course the pain of losing Claire cuts deep but sometimes those surgical cuts can also have a healing effect. I can definitely feel a deeper relationship with some family members since losing Claire, especially my wonderful kids. I can feel a deeper connection (rather intangible) but also notice things that are said and done (much more tangible) which never would have been said or done before.
In that sense, and with that frame of reference on the same situation, I can also see that my life has been enriched enormously.
Thank you O,T,T & M…. I love you guys.