Christmas is beginning to get a lot of people in my situation down. I take part in quite a few forums and discussion groups, they often help to share what’s on my mind and know that I’m not going crazy or indeed that are not alone. These groups have lit up in the run-up to Christmas… It doesn’t take much to understand why.
And yet, even though I too am not relishing the idea of spending my first Christmas without Claire, if I think about her I still feel warm and loved.
At Claire’s funeral I read out a short poem, it’s been repeated on this blog twice already so I’m not going to reproduce it here again in its entirety, but one line really stands out to me…
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
The love that Claire and I shared was truly special. I knew it was at the time but I can feel it even stronger now in a paradoxical kind of way. Tomorrow will be Christmas day. I can either turn my back on that day and live for all of the Christmases that have passed or I can be happy for Christmas Day because of all of those Christmases passed.
As I’m sitting here again struggling to hold it together, I feel so blessed that I had such a wonderful wife for so long.
Christmas Day might be difficult, Christmas Day might be easy. I’m not going to make a decision now and then let the day turn into a self fulfilling prophecy. The day will be what it is and I will rest, happy because of all those yesterdays.