[PostScript added after I wrote this, please bear in mind as you read: I’m not going to kill myself so don’t worry, it’s just better that I write down truthfully how I feel rather than try and hide it in the hope that it helps not only myself but other people in the same situation as me]
This is a rather odd post and it comes as the result of checking the words that people type in Google when they end up on this website. It seems lots of people are typing Grief “i just sit” – and ending up on my site, of course I don’t know why they typed that but I know where they are coming from.
The temptation to just sit and do nothing often reaches the point of being unbearable. I often feel like one of those deep cave explorers, sitting on the edge of an enormous black chasm, dangling my feet in, looking down and wondering what it’s like down there in the depths. Except the depths of this chasm are the depths of depression… And it’s very black down there.
The grief can often hit me in waves and sometimes all I can do is just sit. But when I sit I know that my feet dangling on the edge of the chasm and I could easily fall in.
The strange thing is that I was always terrified of death, but now with Claire passing so early in life it seems that if she can do it then it can’t be that bad. Dying doesn’t seem so bad any more and just writing that down strikes me as being odd, but I don’t care. This change in the way I view dying could make it seem like an easy option, an easy way to get rid of the pain.
I’m not contemplating killing myself or anything like that all I’m saying is that I can now understand the full process that could lead to it.
So how do I get up when all I want to do is sit?
One of the most liberating concepts that I adopt is the idea of choice.
If I want to get extremely angry then I can, it’s a choice.
If I want to shout and bellow and curse then I can, it’s a choice.
If I want to feel successful then I can, it’s a choice.
If I want to feel happy then I can, it’s a choice.
Once we truly accept that the way we feel is always a choice then we can choose to wallow in our own sadness or depression for a bit, but I can also choose to step out that sadness and depression. It’s a choice.
Now it may not be an easy choice, we may not have access to all of the resources we need in order to make that choice at that given moment, but those resources are there buried within us-all we have to do is look hard enough.
So sometimes I choose to just sit, and then I choose to get back up again. It’s MY choice.