It was Olivia’s, my eldest daughter’s, 18th birthday on Saturday – that was a tough one. We went out for a meal as a family and yet at the same time we weren’t a family. There was someone missing which left something missing from the room, something missing from the conversation and something missing in the atmosphere of the day.
Right at this moment in time every breath seems like an effort, the tiredness is almost overpowering, I make it to 8 PM each night and need to lie down.
Next weekend would have been our 22nd wedding anniversary and on reflection I think I can see where the tiredness is coming from.
It’s almost as though I know I’m going to have to face these events, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and family celebrations without Claire. It’s like these events have a magnet attached to them, except rather than be attracted to them I feel as though my body has the same negative polarity and I’m being pushed away. Those events are in the future and I’m being pushed to stay in the now and it’s making moving forwards a hard slog.
Normally in life we have events to look forward to, those same birthdays, holidays and anniversaries are positive attractions. But without the one you love those days are to be avoided at all costs.
Right now I’m not sure what the solution is, I think finding something positive that I can look forward to would be good. The future would then hold some form of positive draw which would help to overcome the aching tiredness.
On an entirely different note I’ve had three people contact me via this website in the past week. Two of them have recently lost their spouse and one doesn’t have long left as their partner is in the final stages of a terminal illness. One thing struck me, in times gone by I would have avoided any conversation that involved death. It’s often a taboo subject and depressing to talk about. Yet not one of these three communications I had left me feeling depressed, in fact quite the opposite.
The conversation (via e-mail) with the person who is about to lose their partner to a terminal illness was the toughest, and yet even in what could be my darkest hours, it was good to help someone else. Knowing that my experiences, no matter how difficult they are to me as an individual, can help someone else can only be a positive thing.
50% of all couples will experience the death of their partner, I guess that is the reality, and so I know am not alone!
So, back to work – Finding a new positive future is going to be my job this week. Something to look forward to, something that is a positive draw which can get me through the more challenging days… I wonder what that positive thing could be?