I really want to be thankful today, and most of all I want to be thankful for the vivid memories I have of Claire. Enjoying those memories is a great sign to me that I’ve come a long way in 3 weeks. Yep, it’s 3 weeks today that Claire died.
Every now and then, when I was aware that I was enjoying a moment with Claire I made sure I fully associated in to that moment – it was a conscious decision to do and I have been doing it for about 5 years now.
As soon as I became aware that I was enjoying myself with her, it could be a chat, dinner, a romantic walk by the sea or simply she could have just looked lovely one day, when I noticed those times I made sure I didn’t delete ‘stuff’ – I fully associated in to the moment to be aware of everything I possibly could.
I’d look around me and notice how she looked, what she was wearing, how she smelt, what she said, what words she used, what we were talking about, what noises were in the background, what the temperature was like, what I was wearing, if we were enjoying food/drink then what tastes was I experiencing, what were other people doing around us, how did I feel, where was that feeling, what was her hair like, what jewellery did she have on, what sensations was I experiencing, what was Claire’s make-up like, what did her skin look like, how did it physically feel to hold her hand.
Noticing all those things deliberately means I REALLY enjoyed those times we shared, and what I didn’t realise at the time was how easy it would be to recall those times when I can have no more of them.
My memories of those times are not some hazy distant memory, I have total recall. I can enjoy them over and over as if Claire was here.
And even though I’m crying again now at the thought of never doing that again, I am truly happy that I did what I did so I can continue to enjoy those moments with clarity. The name ‘Claire’ even means clear and bright. And she still is.