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Last night I realised that this is the longest time in 29 years that I haven’t seen Claire. She died 2 weeks ago and the first year we were going out with each other, she was 15 and I was 16, our parents ‘dragged’ us on our family holiday for a fortnight and we didn’t see each other – that’s been the only time we were apart for this long.

We didn’t live with each other before we were married, and so, since the 22nd June 1991 when we got back from our honeymoon we haven’t spent more than 6 days apart and we’ve spoken everyday for those last 22 years.

Yes, I guess today I feel a little lonely.

Now here are my thoughts about loneliness:

  1. Loneliness is a ‘label’ which has no definite meaning
  2. Because it has no definite meaning it means different things to different people
  3. Because it means different things to different people it can never be defined
  4. Because it can not be defined, what is it anyway and does it even exist?

I can give how I feel a label, I can call it ‘lonely’ if I like but I won’ t let it define me. If I label myself as ‘lonely’ then people will feel a need to respond in a certain way… dependant upon THEIR idea of what that label means. If I label myself as lonely I might start acting that way even more, and so it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

So I’m not ‘lonely’ I just want to talk to Claire. I want to hold her again.

What does holding her get for me?

I guess it helps me relax, feel warm inside, feel at peace. And if I close my eyes and take myself back to a time when I was holding her I can still feel that peace, relaxation and warmth.

Thank you Claire, you’re still with me. I love you.