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A sense of dread

Last night I experienced something really odd. A deep, painful and dark sense of complete and utter dread. If I think about my own death, about the eternity of not living  I get that feeling, and last night, for the first time, I was thinking about Claire and all the lovely times we had and I got the same feeling. Deep, dark, black, heavy, in my chest rising and up & outwards down my arms.

A complete sense of dread. I’ll never see, hear or hold Claire EVER again. Even writing that down seems to elicit that state in me again, and I can feel it rising in my chest…

So what if that deep and dark sense of dread that rises from my chest happened in my little toe… can I still feel it, can I get that old state back?


Well I wouldn’t want to do that then would I?

Each time I feel that deep and dark sense of dread that rises from my chest I’m going to force it in to my little toe, and for some weird reason I can no longer feel it.

This is weird shit, it works so I’m doing it.

The funeral is tomorrow. My little toe is going to get worked a lot.