I feel so lonely today. Almost like my emotional central heating system has been shut down – there’s a ‘chill inside’ which seems to need the flame that was Claire to warm it up. So what can I do?
You know, writing this blog is SO helpful – it makes sense of those weird feelings, I just start writing and see where it goes.
So back to my ‘chill inside’ analogy.
As an a-typical woman Claire often turned the heating down to save a few pennies – when I mentioned it was cold she used to say ‘put on another jumper then’ – so all I need to do is to find some extra emotional clothing and I’ll be warm again – aahhh shit… I’m off crying again!
OK, it’s now a few hours later and I’ve got myself together again: I’ve no idea where or what that emotional clothing is or looks like but what I do know for sure is this:
- I am in control of what I choose to think and how I think it, therefore I can change what and how I think
- I have all the resources I need to ‘warm up’ – I may not know how to access them right now, but I know they are there, and with the support of my family and friends (and indeed writing this) I know I will find them.
Just writing that down helps.
At the moment I’m cold, but it’s actually comforting to know that I can and will be warm again – and that I have everything I need to do it.
General Information Update
I had a phone call yesterday from Graham Metcalf the head teacher at the school where Claire worked. She only did 15(ish) hours per week in learning support but was clearly loved at the school. He said the school wanted to do an assembly with a powerpoint presentation of Claire – all done by the kids – so sweet.
They are also going to close the entire school for the funeral – wow, that girls was loved & respected!