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Tag: peace

Do Nothing, it helps

Do Nothing, it helps

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I’m reading an amazing book at the moment called Do Nothing, it’s not specific to grief and loss but is specific to life in general… So I guess it pretty much applies to me as I think I’m still alive!

The themes within the book are familiar to me as I spent the last two years on bit of a personal development drive and what I’m discovering in this book is helping more, let me explain.

Since losing Claire I have been very aware of the label ‘grief’. As soon as we choose to adopt a label like this then we can begin to act out everything we believe about that label, and so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Many people believe they are ‘an angry person’ or perhaps they believe they are ‘not coping’ – these are just labels and so guess what happens… Yep, they begin to believe those labels and act them out which serves to reinforce the belief in the first place – a never ending cycle of destruction.

What we really need to understand is that we have an inside world and an outside world. The outside world is everything that goes on out there, everything that happens outside of our own mind, which is pretty much everything. We then have an inside world where we think about things and decide what the outside world means. We notice things but the problem is we delete more things than we notice and so our inside world becomes distorted.

The biggest problem is that the inside world IS the world to us, it is all that we know and it taints our view of everything outside of us.

We do indeed create our own world inside our own mind through the power of our own thought… comforting stuff if you really think about it.

And the solution to all this?

Understand that this is the process that we go through every time we experience something in the outside world (perhaps like losing a wife), in order to make sense of it we have to filter it through our own thought patterns and our own ideas of what is wrong and what is right. Once we understand this thought process we can change it, and we can change it to do nothing.

When we truly do nothing we apply none of our own warped filters. It leaves us clean, it leaves us true and it leaves us at peace.

I can honestly say that with the power of doing nothing I am at peace.

Loneliness

Loneliness

Last night I realised that this is the longest time in 29 years that I haven’t seen Claire. She died 2 weeks ago and the first year we were going out with each other, she was 15 and I was 16, our parents ‘dragged’ us on our family holiday for a fortnight and we didn’t see each other – that’s been the only time we were apart for this long.

We didn’t live with each other before we were married, and so, since the 22nd June 1991 when we got back from our honeymoon we haven’t spent more than 6 days apart and we’ve spoken everyday for those last 22 years.

Yes, I guess today I feel a little lonely.

Now here are my thoughts about loneliness:

  1. Loneliness is a ‘label’ which has no definite meaning
  2. Because it has no definite meaning it means different things to different people
  3. Because it means different things to different people it can never be defined
  4. Because it can not be defined, what is it anyway and does it even exist?

I can give how I feel a label, I can call it ‘lonely’ if I like but I won’ t let it define me. If I label myself as ‘lonely’ then people will feel a need to respond in a certain way… dependant upon THEIR idea of what that label means. If I label myself as lonely I might start acting that way even more, and so it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

So I’m not ‘lonely’ I just want to talk to Claire. I want to hold her again.

What does holding her get for me?

I guess it helps me relax, feel warm inside, feel at peace. And if I close my eyes and take myself back to a time when I was holding her I can still feel that peace, relaxation and warmth.

Thank you Claire, you’re still with me. I love you.

 

Day 6 – Peace

Day 6 – Peace

Before I go in to the peace thing, I just need to get off my chest that the mornings are so tough. The house and our hearts seem so empty without the warm glow that was Claire – aah there I go I’m crying again!

Ok, focus and DO something – that’s what us men do!

Peace

Last night I was talking to a good friend of mine Kevin Rose (thanks for the call mate, it really helped), we were just talking it all through – how we’re coping and what happened to Claire. During that conversation I really felt an immense feeling of peace.

Peace that we told each other we loved each other often.

Peace that we never left anything unsaid.

Peace that we never argued and rarely even disagreed.

Peace that we have no regrets in our relationship.

Peace that Claire lived this way with all her friends and family, she died at total rest and harmony with the world.

 

My sweetheart you continue to inspire me each day.