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Tag: hug

Loss of Love

Loss of Love

Whilst driving the other day I had a realisation. I’m not loved any more!

I’m not saying that no-one loves me, it’s just that I’m not loved in a husband/wife way any more.

I had a long chat with 2 of  the kids last night about Claire (To. and M.) – they too are feeling it… they aren’t loved in a motherly way any more.

I guess we all feel that ‘loss of love’ in a different way, the love of a Sister, a Daughter, a Mum, a Wife or a Friend. And that love that’s missing can never be replaced because it goes deeper than the specific role.. it was the unique and special kind of love that Claire gave to her husband, wife, children, sister and friends. And that love can never be replaced.

Life does feel empty without that love, it really does.

Coaching mode engage!

What does that love get for ME?

island of loveIt’s that sense of warmth, that spreads out and surrounds me, like putting on a really thick woolly jumper in the middle of a cold dark night.

That warmth of lying in a steaming hot bath and feeling the stress soak and relax away in to the water.

That warmth of a huge hug from the person you desperately love.

And once again as I think about it now, the picture of an island all alone and stranded comes to mind. Yet that same island is surrounded by the warm and relaxing sea that Claire loved so much.

I’m going to buy a big picture of an island and hang it on the wall, it’ll remind me of that love each time I walk past it.

Love isn’t something that emanates in a physical sense from another person, if it were then we wouldn’t feel loved when they left the room. Love is something that endures in the absence of that person… so if that’s true I am loved by a wife and the kids are loved by a mum – we just are!

Loneliness

Loneliness

Last night I realised that this is the longest time in 29 years that I haven’t seen Claire. She died 2 weeks ago and the first year we were going out with each other, she was 15 and I was 16, our parents ‘dragged’ us on our family holiday for a fortnight and we didn’t see each other – that’s been the only time we were apart for this long.

We didn’t live with each other before we were married, and so, since the 22nd June 1991 when we got back from our honeymoon we haven’t spent more than 6 days apart and we’ve spoken everyday for those last 22 years.

Yes, I guess today I feel a little lonely.

Now here are my thoughts about loneliness:

  1. Loneliness is a ‘label’ which has no definite meaning
  2. Because it has no definite meaning it means different things to different people
  3. Because it means different things to different people it can never be defined
  4. Because it can not be defined, what is it anyway and does it even exist?

I can give how I feel a label, I can call it ‘lonely’ if I like but I won’ t let it define me. If I label myself as ‘lonely’ then people will feel a need to respond in a certain way… dependant upon THEIR idea of what that label means. If I label myself as lonely I might start acting that way even more, and so it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

So I’m not ‘lonely’ I just want to talk to Claire. I want to hold her again.

What does holding her get for me?

I guess it helps me relax, feel warm inside, feel at peace. And if I close my eyes and take myself back to a time when I was holding her I can still feel that peace, relaxation and warmth.

Thank you Claire, you’re still with me. I love you.

 

Funeral Arrangements

Funeral Arrangements

I arranged the funeral yesterday – thanks Dad for coming with me. It is on Friday 3rd May at 1000 at the Chiltern Crematorium in Amersham – everyone is welcome.

It was surreal, almost like it was happening to someone else. In fact the the whole day yesterday was surreal – I registered Claire’s death and that didn’t seem real either. I keep feeling as though they’ve all made some awful mistake and got the wrong person, Claire could still be alive and they’ve all accidentally switched the records over.

I know that’s not the case as her Mum and Sister went to see her in the chapel of rest – but for me… there’s a glimmer of hope.

That isn’t the case I know that, but part of me hopes it is. I think when they return her rings to me that will be the final sign that it really was my beautiful Claire that it happened to.

Every day I write this I cry. I’m crying again now – 7am Saturday morning and I’m off.

So what part of me is holding on to the hope that it wasn’t Claire?

The part of me that adored her?

The part of me that unconditionally trusted her?

The part of me that liked to cuddle her – yep that’s the one… how do I know? Well, writing that set me off  again so it must be!

I’ve not thought yet about what I will miss the most as that feels too negative, but to be honest the thing I’ll really miss is holding her. Emotional, & practical support I can get from others, but her warm and friendly cuddle? Nothing can replace that.

I need to write a letter to her:

Claire,

I’ve not written anything to you yet, I’ve shouted a bit at home at you but not written. The kids have written each day on your Facebook wall, but me… I couldn’t face writing to you until now.

Sweetheart, I love you so much. And right now I miss you so much. You were my world, and still are my world.

I drew my strength from seeing you each day and I only realise now how much strength you imparted simply by smiling at me.

I used to love our cuddles, the softness of your skin always reminded me of our first kiss back in ’87 – yep, every time I held you I remembered that day – I don’t think I ever told you that.

You were everything to me, no-one will ever know what a special relationship we had, only we could ever know that.

Do you remember that chat we had in the pub on the beach in West Bay last weekend? That was our last night out together and we talked about it being our new ‘local’ if we moved there. I remember almost every word of that conversation, it was deep – not some meaningless drivel but a conversation that really meant something. I loved our chats.

Thank you.

Thank you for the last 25 years together.

Thank you for ALWAYS being there.

Thank you for not judging.

Thank you for your kindness, gentleness and tenderness.

Right now at this moment I’ve run out of words. I’ve no idea how to finish this except with a huge (((((HUG))))) and a xxxxKISSxxxx.

Goodnight my sweetheart.