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Tag: decisions

Dealing with Grief

Dealing with Grief

I thought in this post I would share some of my own experiences of dealing with grief, and I mean dealing with grief, not living with it, not ignoring it, not pushing it to one side as if it doesn’t exist, but actually dealing with it on a day-to-day basis, or even a minute-to-minute basis.

I guess it comes from spending two years developing myself that I know we all experience significant emotional events in our life at some point, these can have huge impacts on the way we view things in the future. We all know that we have beliefs about ourselves and some of those beliefs are empowering (I am good enough, I am strong) and some of those beliefs are disempowering (I don’t deserve it, I’m not worth it). From the moment the consultant came into that little room and told me that Claire had died I knew this was a significant emotional event where one of those limiting and damaging beliefs could easily have been adopted.

“I don’t deserve this”, “why did it happen to me”, “I’m worth more than this”, “she’s worth more than this”, “she doesn’t deserve it”… All would be easy thoughts to adopt yet all are dis-empowering decisions and beliefs.

I knew that from the moment I was told that I no longer had a wife any decision I made had to be empowering. I had to continue with life and I knew that from the second the consultant told me.

Not one single day, and I mean not one single day has passed without me working on myself. Every thought, every emotion, every single nagging idea that has dared to enter my brain has been dealt with. I’m working on the way I think 24 hours a day (and yes, I believe that my unconscious mind is also working on it whilst I am asleep).

The decision I made when Claire died was that I had to deal with it and I had to continue to live my life in a way that respected the 28 wonderful years I spent with Claire. Pushing those thoughts, emotions and nagging ideas to one side and not dealing with them has never been an option for me. I have faced them all head on and at the beginning they were hitting me literally every minute. Every minute of every day I was being pummelled with these thoughts, but because I have dealt with them as they have arrived things are much quieter now. My program of self development with NLP and Hypnosis gave me a toolbox of techniques, ideas and thinking patterns that have allowed me to work on those thought processes – no longer do I fill up that great big dustbin of negativity that so many people carry around on their backs all day, getting heavier and heavier as the years go by – in fact I went in to this whole process with a dustbin that had had a hand grenade chucked in it to completely clean it out, and as the days go by I refuse to fill that dustbin up again… it remains as clean today as it has ever been.

I genuinely feel at peace, those negative emotions and thoughts have almost stopped. Instead, they have been replaced by love. Love for everything that Claire was, everything that she did for me, everything that she did for the children and indeed immense love for her as my wife and best friend. I would much rather welcome those thoughts and emotions into my mind and allow them to live there rather than all of the negative ones.

If we are to make room for all of the positivity then we need to deal with the negativity. I continue to do so and will continue for the rest of my life.

Reasons and Excuses

Reasons and Excuses

Since Claire died I’ve been making more of an effort to keep fit and because I’m too tight to go to the gym I’ve taken up jogging. I hate it! Every step is hard work and I don’t get that ‘kick’ out of physical exercise that so many seem to report, I just find it a real chore but I know that it’s all down to me now to look after the kids and so I have to stay in as good a shape as possible.

Every time I go for a run I’m looking for an excuse not to go.

Every time I go for a run I find an excuse.

When I’m actually out there running the only thing I ever think about is Claire, she dominates my thoughts from the first step to the last which makes the whole jogging process even more painful – and I’m not really keen on putting myself through unnecessary pain. But last night I realised something for the first time.

Losing Claire is my reason to go jogging. Losing Claire is my excuse not to go jogging.

It it would be so easy to use this almost intollerable time as an excuse to not do anything. To lay down in the corner and not get up again. But if I change my viewpoint for a moment I can see that it’s actually a reason to go on.

=========OK, now I’m crying again – you have no idea how much therapy I get from writing this =========

Up until this very moment I thought I’d lost my reason for living, I thought I did everything for Claire and that with her gone I had no purpose. She was always my reason for working so hard, building the business and even getting up in the morning.

But I was using that reason as an excuse not to think about the future and what it holds.

But now I can see that reasons and excuses are so close to each other and all that is required is a slight change in viewpoint and I can see that she is still my reason. Up until this very second I have actively avoided thinking about the future, it was an excuse. So as I take a different viewpoint now I find that I can take the old reason and turn it into a new reason to rebuild, and that for me is life changing today!

 

 

 

Life as a Book

Life as a Book

“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”

Alfred D’Souza

I read those words yesterday and they hit home, they hit home pretty hard.

I enjoyed lunch yesterday with a good friend (thanks Emma) and we were talking about the ‘when/then’ game. When the kids have left home then it would be better. When I’ve moved house then I can relax. When/then.

pop_blank_book_coverClaire and I used to joke that we would write a book called “It’ll be better when…” and then make jokes about all of the times that we had used that expression or heard other people use it, perhaps that’s a project of the future, but thinking about it now really does make me stop and consider things.

What has opened up for me now is a completely new chapter in my life, I thought I knew where the story was going until I turned the page on 17 April and the great author in the sky decided to take the story in a different direction. I can see now that those early chapters were leading me in a direction and I had made up my own ending, I was pinning all of my hopes on chapters I was yet to read, life was going to begin in those chapters.

But as I sit here writing this down I can see the entire book, it’s closed so I’ve no idea where the story goes, but I can see that this IS my life. It doesn’t begin over the page, it began at the beginning of the book and I’m in it now, this is it, these obstacles ARE my life.

There is a lot to be said for writing the end of the book ourselves and creating our future as we go, and there is also a lot to be said for reading the words of the page that we are on, reading them slowly, reading them with meaning and most of all enjoying them.

I’ve no idea what is over the page, at the moment I have no idea what the next paragraph says, but I do know that for the time being at least, I’m going to read those words very slowly.

A day of firsts

A day of firsts

Each Sunday morning Claire and I used to have a Lavazza Late made in our espresso machine – this Sunday was the first Sunday I’ve made only 1 coffee.

Last night I woke up cold in bed, it was the first night I’ve done that as we used to cuddle up to each other if we were cold.

Yesterday I cooked a Sunday roast, it was the first time I’ve ever cooked one and Claire not be there.

A day of firsts.

I know we are going to experience this a lot, especially during the first year as anniversaries, Christmas and birthdays come round – so I have a choice.

I can either dread each first and curl up in a corner, or I can become stronger knowing that we never have to go through that particular first again and we’ve overcome another small but significant challenge.

Claire was one of life’s copers. She just got on with stuff and we often talked about the problems we encountered with the kids (those that know us well will know what we are talking about) – she always said to me:

“Mark, what can you change and what can’t you change? Now only focus on changing what you can and accept the things you can’t” – what great advice my sweet.

So I’m going to listen to Claire because she was always right, I’m choosing to live by her example with her as my inspiration – I can’t change that she’s gone, but I can change how I react to my ‘day of firsts’.

Thank you dear, you’ve inspired me once again. I love you.

 

Day 5 – Decisions, decisions

Day 5 – Decisions, decisions

Morning

Claire made all the decisions in our house, and like any good husband I just went along with them. It made for an easy life for both of us, there was never any friction… I just did what Claire told me to do and if she was happy I was happy.

But where do I go now to make decisions?

I feel completely lost today, like a direction less, headless chicken – wildly spinning in every direction.

Claire would have known what to do.

On the subject of decisions that Claire made. She booked a holiday for us all in July… but I’ve no idea where, how to pay the balance, who to contact or who in the family she booked it for!

Afternoon

I’ve done some work today. On the one hand it seems wrong that I just get on with things as if nothing has happened, but on the other hand it is a blessed relief and I can feel my mind welcoming the opportunity to light up some different neural pathways and think about something else.

Getting back to some work has really helped this afternoon. I think getting ‘a’ routine back is going to be really important – it just feels so wrong doing it without Claire!

Biggest Challenge today

Sorting out answer phone messages. Our good friend Katie popped over and sorted the answer phone messages out, there was one from Claire on there from last week which stung… thank you Katie for sorting that out for me…