Actually I don’t. I refuse to go down the thought pattern of “I wish…” there are so many possibilities that I could wish for, I could wish Claire had never died, I could wish she’d been taken to the doctor earlier, I could wish she had fought harder to stay alive, I could wish I had come home early for work and gone to the hospital with her. All of those wishes are false hopes, all of those wishes will never come true and therefore all of those wishes are pointless and downright damaging, they lead to a world of blame and guilt which is totally unhealthy.
Living in the world of “I wish…” is a world surrounded by the past, it’s a world where nothing moves on, it’s a world that is locked in a place which is contrary to the truth and what actually happened.
“I wish…” is a very destructive thought pattern and I refuse to go there.
“I wish…” also damages the future. Living in the past by saying “I wish…” means we can feel guilty about enjoying life to come. It means feeling guilty about moving forwards in life, feeling happy, meeting a new partner, moving house and enjoying things again… And all because we are living in the past.
You can honor your past
You can treasure your past
You can and should love your past
You do not have to live in your past
So do I wish it had all never happened? Well, to be honest, I refuse to answer that question. I refuse to be drawn into the world of negativity wishing things hadn’t happened when actually they did. My answer? Deal with what has happened and stop wishing for something else to happen that is an impossibility… That is a world of misery, despair and with no end.
“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”
I know I have shared this poem several times before, indeed I read it out at Claire’s funeral but the reason I have shared it is because it is so true. I’m living my life now full of the love I shared with Claire, being happy for tomorrow because of everything she gave to me, I cherish her memory in photographs and in wearing my wedding ring and I let it live on in the same, I’m doing what she would want, smiling, opening my eyes, loving and going on.
“I still love you Claire and always will”