I thought in this post I would share some of my own experiences of dealing with grief, and I mean dealing with grief, not living with it, not ignoring it, not pushing it to one side as if it doesn’t exist, but actually dealing with it on a day-to-day basis, or even a minute-to-minute basis.
I guess it comes from spending two years developing myself that I know we all experience significant emotional events in our life at some point, these can have huge impacts on the way we view things in the future. We all know that we have beliefs about ourselves and some of those beliefs are empowering (I am good enough, I am strong) and some of those beliefs are disempowering (I don’t deserve it, I’m not worth it). From the moment the consultant came into that little room and told me that Claire had died I knew this was a significant emotional event where one of those limiting and damaging beliefs could easily have been adopted.
“I don’t deserve this”, “why did it happen to me”, “I’m worth more than this”, “she’s worth more than this”, “she doesn’t deserve it”… All would be easy thoughts to adopt yet all are dis-empowering decisions and beliefs.
I knew that from the moment I was told that I no longer had a wife any decision I made had to be empowering. I had to continue with life and I knew that from the second the consultant told me.
Not one single day, and I mean not one single day has passed without me working on myself. Every thought, every emotion, every single nagging idea that has dared to enter my brain has been dealt with. I’m working on the way I think 24 hours a day (and yes, I believe that my unconscious mind is also working on it whilst I am asleep).
The decision I made when Claire died was that I had to deal with it and I had to continue to live my life in a way that respected the 28 wonderful years I spent with Claire. Pushing those thoughts, emotions and nagging ideas to one side and not dealing with them has never been an option for me. I have faced them all head on and at the beginning they were hitting me literally every minute. Every minute of every day I was being pummelled with these thoughts, but because I have dealt with them as they have arrived things are much quieter now. My program of self development with NLP and Hypnosis gave me a toolbox of techniques, ideas and thinking patterns that have allowed me to work on those thought processes – no longer do I fill up that great big dustbin of negativity that so many people carry around on their backs all day, getting heavier and heavier as the years go by – in fact I went in to this whole process with a dustbin that had had a hand grenade chucked in it to completely clean it out, and as the days go by I refuse to fill that dustbin up again… it remains as clean today as it has ever been.
I genuinely feel at peace, those negative emotions and thoughts have almost stopped. Instead, they have been replaced by love. Love for everything that Claire was, everything that she did for me, everything that she did for the children and indeed immense love for her as my wife and best friend. I would much rather welcome those thoughts and emotions into my mind and allow them to live there rather than all of the negative ones.
If we are to make room for all of the positivity then we need to deal with the negativity. I continue to do so and will continue for the rest of my life.