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That bitter/sweet contrast

I caught up with an old friend yesterday that I haven’t seen for 20 years, we had a lovely home cooked meal together and talked constantly for 9 hours straight. It was so nice to have a 1-2-1 chat with an adult that shares my view on life and understands to some degree what I am going through. Last night I felt human again for the first time in many many months.

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And yet this morning I took the dog for a walk to the beach, it was a stormy morning (which I love by the sea) with the waves crashing against the shore line, and I felt so desparately lonely again – worse than before.

It’s as though when I taste the sweetness of happiness the bitterness of loneliness tastes 10 times worse.

It’s that sharp contrast from one state to the next that exacerbates the negative emotions of the negative state, I can certainly see the temptation in withdrawing from any activity that could be positive… it just makes coming back down to earth so much worse! In the case of last night, I spent 9 hours in good company enjoying catching up with the past 20 years – of course we talked a lot about Claire but it was all positive and happy memories. Yet, not 1 hour after I got home, I was in bed in the dark and feeling totally lonely again.

A bi-polar existance is not one I ever imagined having.

With any of my blog posts I make an attempt to learn something new, to take something away from what I have written that I didn’t know before, in that way I can grow and develop and continue discovering the new me… So what can be learned from this?

  1. These emotions are normal and I’m not a freak.
  2. I need to incorporate those bipolar experiences into one experience of life. Even as I’m writing I can see that I have compartmentalised the wonderful nine hours I spent yesterday and put them into a ‘happy’ box, which I am then comparing to being back home again which is in the ‘lonely’ box. Of course these two boxes look different, they are at different ends of the spectrum… So I wonder what would happen if they were in the same box! If I didn’t compartmentalise things and give them labels of ‘happy’ or ‘lonely’, and I just accepted them all as an experience of life then they would all be together in one big ‘life’ box and suddenly the bitter/sweet contrast is gone… And that feels so much better… and there I have the learning for today! No need to write any more!