I think it’s quite natural to grieve for the past and all that we had when we have lost someone so close. We think about the happy memories, the times we enjoyed together, the impact we had on each other’s lives and the fact that all of that is gone. For the past nine months the past is the direction I have been facing, all of my emotions have been focused on what I’ve lost.
The revelation I had last night was that I’ve turned a corner, I’m still painfully aware of the past but I’m now looking to the future.
The problem is that the future seems quite grim at the moment. It seems dark, cold, lonely and empty.
I’ve been struggling with these emotions over the past few days and now I can see why, I have dared for the first time to consider my future.
And whilst I feel at the depth of my loneliness when I look to the future I know that this is actually a good thing. I know that I have turned a corner, I have begun to consider my future which is a positive step. Dwelling and wallowing in the past won’t allow me to move onwards, although right at the moment that first step onwards seems rather unattractive.
Dwelling on the past has served me well up until this point, I guess I have become used to it. Looking to the future is a far more painful experience right at the moment, but I know that deep within me things will be okay. I know that looking to the future is the right thing to do and I know that, in time, the heavy weight of loneliness, which seems to stretch in front of me, will lift also.
Sometimes it’s simpler to take the easy option, it’s simpler to remain focused on the past… Even though it’s painful to think of what I’ve lost it’s easier than thinking about the future.
Beginning to consider my future is the most painful thing I’ve experienced since actually losing Claire. The temptation to remain in the past is immense, it’s painful there but familiar, so it’s safe. All I need to do is keep going, keep facing the same way and accept that the pain of uncertainty about the future will allow me to experience the emotions even more when it lifts.