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Not looking forward to Christmas

This is one of those post where I have no idea where it’s going but I have to get this off my chest.

I’m not looking forward to Christmas one bit.

Christmas in our house was always organised by Claire. She did all of the present thinking and the buying, she sorted out the kids stockings and wrote all the Christmas cards. On one level these are all practical things which I’m okay at, kind of like getting the house work done, the dog walked or the washing sorted – bung it in a spreadsheet, print it and put it on the kitchen wall and it happens. But Christmas is more than just the practical buying presents and writing cards, it needs some thought.

Presents need to be carefully selected for the right individual and the right words need to be written into a Christmas card for it to mean anything, or what is the point?

I don’t know what to write. It doesn’t seem appropriate to wish all of the seasons happy blessings on someone else when I feel so desperately alone. I’m not filled with the joys of Christmas, I’m not bounding around the shops wanting to join in the festive fun, I’m just sitting here alone wanting my Claire back!

What do I want for Christmas? Guess!

This is a time of year for families to get together, and that’s one things I AM looking forward to – we’ve got almost everyone coming to ours this year which will be tough, but good to be all together.

The problem with this time of year is the constant reminders that she’s not here that is so difficult to bare.

  • My wife hasn’t asked me what I want for Christmas this year.
  • I’ve got no-one to surprise with an oddball gift that only she knows what it means.
  • So many cards that have WIFE written on them, and as with everything, when something is on your mind that’s all you see.

I suppose it depends how we look at those reminders. (This feels like clutching at straws for me right now but I’m desperately holding onto any positive thought that I have) Each time I’m reminded she’s not here and it hurts it’s  also a reminder that she was so lovely, so loving and kind and that I am one lucky guy to have experienced that.

I’ve now reminded myself of this that I read out at her funeral… now may be a good time to revisit it!

You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she’s gone or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back or you can do what she’d want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.