I have just seen this on a forum, it is extremely insightful and as I think about it now, it applies to me completely:
“Loss definitely changes you as a person and I found myself not only grieving for <<name removed>>, but also grieving the old me”
I can feel this happening with myself. I know that I have changed fundamentally since losing Claire, I also think that it is inevitable that anyone that was close to her, with Claire playing a large part in their lives will also have changed inextricably. We’ve lost Claire and we’ve lost a lot of old selves.
This seems to be a double grief, a double loss – a loss of someone very special and a loss of our old ‘self’ which was in part governed by the person we have lost.
One can argue that we are not defined by the people which are around us and that we are our own selves, but for me I gave myself entirely to Claire. When we said our wedding vows I promised that I would give myself to her without question, and that is what I did. So she did define me, she was part of my character which is why I think we had such a great relationship… we acted as one, we were one character which clearly would lead to grieving for the “old me” also.
It would be easy to become extremely melancholy about that. I happened to quite like the old me, I was comfortable with that person, so what now?
I guess it’s a slow process of discovering a new me, and indeed it’s the process for everyone that is experiencing that same thing to discover their new ‘self’.
As I said we could become melancholy, but how about we view it as an opportunity? An opportunity to discover something new. An opportunity to discover a world which existed outside of our old ‘self’. And in that respect, with that view of things, it goes from the melancholy to the exciting…