Skip to content

Wine Glasses, George Benson and Tears

I’ve been a bit up and down this weekend. I need some new wine glasses as most of ours had smashed so when I was in Morrisons I picked up a new set, you know those enormous ones that can fit half a bottle in each class. We’ve got a set like that in the caravan that the two of us used to share when we went away and little trips, and drinking a glass of wine on Saturday night from my new mega-wineglass reminded me so much of what I was missing with Claire. A simple wineglass moved me to tears.

Then on Sunday night I fancied listening to some music whilst I cooked dinner, as I was browsing through the records I came across George Benson so on he went. Within a few minutes the music was cranked up loud and I was singing and dancing to “Love Times Love”, and then I caught myself. I caught myself singing and dancing and remembering that George Benson was the first CD I overbought twentysomething years ago just after we got married… And again I was in tears.

I think it’s the sharing of memories that is so difficult. We all have memories of things we’ve done in the past and normally I would have just said to Claire “Hey, these wineglasses remind me of the ones we’ve got in a caravan” or “wow, do you remember dancing around our tiny living room in our first house to this track 20 years ago” and the conversation would have been over. But it would have been a conversation, and now I have those things to say but there’s no one there to Say them to, it’s almost like they are pointless memories!

I get these ‘moments’ quite often. Moments of memories that are triggered by the most mundane things. Moment of complete sadness, complete loneliness and complete desperation. I so desperately want to have a conversation with her. Just to share those memories again… We were together for nearly 30 years so there are quite a lot of memories!

What I am very clear about however is that I’m not going to punish myself over it, I know she’s not coming back, I know that I have to find a way of coping with those memories (which are all good by the way).

20131014_083928[1]

So here’s what I’m going to do.

At Claire’s funeral we had some memory cards printed and asked people to write down their fondest memory of Claire, I have them all treasured in a box in my wardrobe and from now on I’m going to add my own memories. Each time I have a ‘moment’ triggered by a memory I’ll write it down and add it to the collection and watch the collection of happy memories grow…