I’ve been a bit up and down this weekend. I need some new wine glasses as most of ours had smashed so when I was in Morrisons I picked up a new set, you know those enormous ones that can fit half a bottle in each class. We’ve got a set like that in the caravan that the two of us used to share when we went away and little trips, and drinking a glass of wine on Saturday night from my new mega-wineglass reminded me so much of what I was missing with Claire. A simple wineglass moved me to tears.
Then on Sunday night I fancied listening to some music whilst I cooked dinner, as I was browsing through the records I came across George Benson so on he went. Within a few minutes the music was cranked up loud and I was singing and dancing to “Love Times Love”, and then I caught myself. I caught myself singing and dancing and remembering that George Benson was the first CD I overbought twentysomething years ago just after we got married… And again I was in tears.
I think it’s the sharing of memories that is so difficult. We all have memories of things we’ve done in the past and normally I would have just said to Claire “Hey, these wineglasses remind me of the ones we’ve got in a caravan” or “wow, do you remember dancing around our tiny living room in our first house to this track 20 years ago” and the conversation would have been over. But it would have been a conversation, and now I have those things to say but there’s no one there to Say them to, it’s almost like they are pointless memories!
I get these ‘moments’ quite often. Moments of memories that are triggered by the most mundane things. Moment of complete sadness, complete loneliness and complete desperation. I so desperately want to have a conversation with her. Just to share those memories again… We were together for nearly 30 years so there are quite a lot of memories!
What I am very clear about however is that I’m not going to punish myself over it, I know she’s not coming back, I know that I have to find a way of coping with those memories (which are all good by the way).
So here’s what I’m going to do.
At Claire’s funeral we had some memory cards printed and asked people to write down their fondest memory of Claire, I have them all treasured in a box in my wardrobe and from now on I’m going to add my own memories. Each time I have a ‘moment’ triggered by a memory I’ll write it down and add it to the collection and watch the collection of happy memories grow…