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Absolute Clarity

Well, I finally have an Internet connection in my own house and can now get back to posting. Since I last wrote an update we have moved 150 miles away to the beautiful Dorset coast – something Claire always wanted to do.

It’s been a mixed bag of emotions from absolute delight that we are living in such a gorgeous house in perfect surroundings to absolute dismay that Claire isn’t here to share it.

We are living the dream but unfortunately it was Claire’s dream too – I’m not sad for myself I’m just sad that Claire never got to see it. She was so close, she knew she would be moving, she chose this house with me and we decided to move here together… But she didn’t quite make it.

It just brings back the importance to me of living in the moment.

I have a wonderful coach and friend coming to stay with me for two days towards the end of October to unravel the tangled thoughts in my mind. I know it will be painful but I know it will be healing too. As part of that process I know she will ask me to set a goal for my new life, so I’ve been thinking, what should be in that goal what do I want to achieve?

Fast cars, fast living, lots of holidays, financially independent living and big houses are the first things which come into mind. But losing Claire has changed me fundamentally, as it will have changed everyone that knew her.

My goal now consists of working towards living each day with exquisite joy, living each moment so consciously that I can enjoy just being alive. It might sound silly but it occurs to me that we live life focusing so much on the things around us and planning for the future which might never happen. And this comes at the expense of enjoying the now.

It’s all still slightly tangled in my head, which I know is going to be Emma’s job to sort out at the end of October ( good luck gal!), so it doesn’t make complete sense yet but it will, and I’m looking forward to when it reaches absolute clarity.