You may remember me talking about an excellent book I’m reading called “Seven Choices”, it really is helping enormously. Up until Thursday of last week I was struggling with the concept of letting go. Why would I want to let go of something which was so perfect? The idea of letting go of the relationship that Claire and I had was not something I was even willing to consider, until I read the most recent chapter in Seven Choices.
I have realised that I don’t need to let go of anything at the moment, of course in time I need to readjust to a new way of life but all I need to do at the moment is to be willing to consider this new way of life. That’s the first step, just a willingness to consider things. The book also talks about incorporating my loss into this new life. That was also something I hadn’t considered before, I was just imagining that the past was the past, it was done with and we move on.
That was too painful to even consider and so the idea of working with the loss, incorporating the loss somehow into my life feels much more acceptable and doable. I can indeed be willing to consider a new way of life which incorporates the loss, that feels so much better than the idea of letting go.
Exactly what that means practically I’m not sure yet. My next step is to begin to work out what that new life will look like, and to take active steps towards achieving it. New routines and new plans will allow me to continue life and live it to its maximum, all the while incorporating the loss of Clare into it. Not ignoring the loss, but working with it. It won’t go away, how can it? It’s happened and that can’t be undone but I can forge a new life building the loss of Clare into it.
If I had to put some kind of scale to it with 0 being at the beginning of the process and 10 being complete, then I’d put myself at about 0.25 at the moment. I’ve just begun. The pain is still immensely raw. Every night, and I literally mean every night, I look to the empty side of the bed and am reminded of what I’ve lost. In fact I am reminded of what I’ve lost every waking second as I walk around this house.
But I am willing to consider the possibility of a new life. Just being willing is a start and something to build on, and build on it I shall.