Since Claire died I’ve been making more of an effort to keep fit and because I’m too tight to go to the gym I’ve taken up jogging. I hate it! Every step is hard work and I don’t get that ‘kick’ out of physical exercise that so many seem to report, I just find it a real chore but I know that it’s all down to me now to look after the kids and so I have to stay in as good a shape as possible.
Every time I go for a run I’m looking for an excuse not to go.
Every time I go for a run I find an excuse.
When I’m actually out there running the only thing I ever think about is Claire, she dominates my thoughts from the first step to the last which makes the whole jogging process even more painful – and I’m not really keen on putting myself through unnecessary pain. But last night I realised something for the first time.
Losing Claire is my reason to go jogging. Losing Claire is my excuse not to go jogging.
It it would be so easy to use this almost intollerable time as an excuse to not do anything. To lay down in the corner and not get up again. But if I change my viewpoint for a moment I can see that it’s actually a reason to go on.
=========OK, now I’m crying again – you have no idea how much therapy I get from writing this =========
Up until this very moment I thought I’d lost my reason for living, I thought I did everything for Claire and that with her gone I had no purpose. She was always my reason for working so hard, building the business and even getting up in the morning.
But I was using that reason as an excuse not to think about the future and what it holds.
But now I can see that reasons and excuses are so close to each other and all that is required is a slight change in viewpoint and I can see that she is still my reason. Up until this very second I have actively avoided thinking about the future, it was an excuse. So as I take a different viewpoint now I find that I can take the old reason and turn it into a new reason to rebuild, and that for me is life changing today!