Last night was my beautiful daughter’s prom. It was tough.
The kids all met at a friends house for a pre-prom party, so many Mums were there having their photographs taken with their kids, a tough day.
It wasn’t easy for me to get there yesterday and I now know the full horror of what being a single parent is actually like. I’m trying to work a full day, look after the house, keep everything running and be there for the kids at the times when they need me. Thea told me that I didn’t need to worry about going to the pre-prom party and I almost didn’t go, but I moved some things around working a little later in the evening and I’m really glad I did.
The temptation to say ” Claire would have loved this” or ” it’s so sad that Claire isn’t around to see this” is mightily strong, but doesn’t get us anywhere. I could go on and on, all day every day thinking the same thing. Every new experience is something that Claire is missing out on. She won’t get to see her kids grow up, get married or have more children of their own. She won’t get to live by the sea or enjoy all of that time we had planned travelling around in a motorhome visiting the coast of the UK.
I’m not sad for myself, I’m sad for her.
The love that she had for us endures yet so does the pain of her not sharing these experiences with us.
This has been the hardest post to write for some time, I guess it’s because yesterday was such a ‘real’ experience made more noticeable by the presence of all the other Mums.
I’m not sure yet of the best way to cope with this kind of loss. The loss of those shared experiences, those experiences that we would have enjoyed together that now have been tainted with loss. I suppose one of the ways of coping is to just avoid those experiences, to never have fun again! I can certainly see why that would be appealing for some people, if we have lost someone dear to us and we just curl up into a ball then we won’t have any positive experiences which make the pain of loss feel greater.
Every time there is a positive experience we are reminded that we are not sharing it with the one we love. And that hurts.
But I’m not going to do that, I’m going to put myself in a position where I can have those positive experiences and when I’m reminded that I’m not sharing them with Claire I will experience the loss, the sadness and the hurt that she is not there with me – I will acknowledge those feelings, I will learn something from those feelings, I will apply what I learn to myself so that next time I experience it I can grow – and then I will move on.
And for me, that’s the way it has to be…