When I started writing this site about my journey of coping with grief my intention was to use it like a permanent diary so that I could chart my progress over the years to come. This post is one of those.
I keep experiencing this weird existential feeling, a live ‘as it happens’ dissociated viewpoint where I am aware of what I am doing and can see everything through my own eyes yet I have a concurrent sense of viewing myself externally.
It’s kind of like being aware of two peoples viewpoints of the same situation at the same time.
I quite often experience this when I am presenting or running a course. I can be in mid-flow, delivering some excellent content (at least that’s what I believe!) with passion and enthusiasm and yet at the same time I can see myself doing it and my brain is in a different place thinking about what I’m going to say next.
From what I remember I’ve spoken to other people that do public speaking and they say they have had similar experiences whilst delivering a presentation or course, so I guess that is not so uncommon.
I’ve never experienced this in any other situation though, but recently it’s happened a few times whilst I have been going about my everyday business. It normally happens when the house is quiet, perhaps first thing in the morning or last thing at night. I become aware of myself making breakfast and at the same time can see myself making breakfast wondering where Claire is and is this all genuinely real?
To make sense of it going to take a stab at understanding why it’s happening…
…OK, so it’s now 20 min later, I wrote a few paragraphs about why I think is happening and gave up. They were gibberish.
I think what I can learn from writing this post is that experiences perhaps don’t always have a reason – they just happen. I think we can sometimes over analyse why we do things or what is happening in a desperate human attempt to create order out of chaos. And now strangely I’m reminded of when I studied chaos theory in my MBA, isn’t it odd how things come to mind and can be triggered by one word.
What I clearly remember from looking at Chaos Theory is that it can look very much like chaos and yet at the same time be self ordering and self-sustaining. I’m reminded of an example that was given to us of an empty beach. If we allowed people slowly onto the beach, one by one, it would be completely chaotic as to where people sat. And yet people would end up all sitting an equal distance from one another. The chaotic system of arranging where we sit on the beach is in actual fact self ordering.
So my lesson today is to let the chaos happen, know that the chaos is actually self ordering and relax without any explanation of why it happens… It just does!