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All That I am I give to You

It looks like, in all probability, that we’ve sold our house.

This is the first major decision I’ve made without my beloved Claire and I’m left feeling really odd. And as I write that I’ve just had a epiphany as to why I feel odd… my reassurance strategy has an ‘external auditory’ that involves Claire, and of course that strategy can’t run. If you’re in to NLP you’ll get that, if you’re not then sorry but it makes sense to me!

On my to do list today, contact my coach and get that sorted!

So, back to moving house. Because I spent so many years living with Claire we became one, we acted as one and thought as one, consequently I’m not 100% sure that my decision to move down to the coast is completely mine. Losing a partner is not like losing someone external to yourself, it’s as though an integral part of my body has been dissected out and I’m having to make life changing decisions on my own. I feel like an animal in a vivisection laboratory that has had part of his brain removed to see how it copes.

Every day living is fine, my business remains completely unaffected, both of which I’m very grateful for but when it comes to making life changing decisions, something isn’t working quite right.

What strikes me is the uncertainty. When Claire was around we could bounce those uncertainties backwards and forwards and the process of doing that helped us make our minds up. Once I knew that Claire was happy with any decision, it was that that made my mind up for me. When I said those wedding vows just over 22 years ago I really meant it.

I give you this ring
as a sign of our marriage.
With my body I honour you,
all that I am I give to you,
and all that I have I share with you,

All that I am I gave to her, and if she was happy I was genuinely and truly happy also.

Marriage requires that complete surrender to the other person, and when both parties do that it works. We did… and it did! But what when one partner dies? What then?

I guess it’s a process of ‘un-surrendering’, of living with some uncertainty for a bit, enjoying it and seeing where it takes me.