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Yesterday was a low day

Yesterday was a low day.

I thought that after the funeral all the nasty ‘compulsory arranging stuff’ would end and that we could get on with dealing with things – how wrong was I!

I’ve now got a huge pile of paperwork to complete, as with many couples we had no life insurance for Claire, but she worked for Barclays 20 years ago and more recently in the local school as a learning support assistant. Both Barclays and the school had pensions attached (tiny ones, but still something) that I can now claim.

As we have no debts, no credit cards, no HP and everything was in joint names I felt no need for a grant of probate, but these pension companies are insisting I have probate before they’ll pay out… so now not only do I have to complete their lengthy forms, I have to go through the probate system as well. As if loosing Claire and trying to find new routines to do everything she did around the house wasn’t enough, I now have this extra burden of form filling to claim pensions of ┬ú20/week!

Yesterday was a low day.

The loneliness is also starting to kick in. I know I’m not alone, but I really do feel lonely. Please don’t ever take for granted your ability to ‘share’ with your partner, sharing is such a powerful and meaningful thing to do, even the small things like “Oh look that cloud looks like a duck” have a whole new meaning when you’ve no-one to share it with!

I used to store up little things like that to share with Claire for a few days and then we’d have a little chat over a coffee or on a walk – but now I can’t and I feel so lonely.

Yesterday was a low day.

OK, so rather than wallow, what am I going to do differently next time that’s positive, for me and that I can learn from?

30 MINUTES LATER

If you’ve not experienced Time Line Therapy┬« before you may not fully understand what this all means – apologies but this means a lot to me.

I’ve just notice that my time line changed colour a few weeks ago, if I look to the past my time line is bright right up to Claire’s death where it almost fades out, then if I turn to the future it still remains faded. I can change it in my mind but at the moment it’s not easy to maintain.

Learning 1: Each day I must check my time line and ensure it’s bright, if not make it as bright as I need to make it the brightest and most brilliant time line.

Looking down on yesterday what can I learn?

I feel like an island, alone and not connected. But as I go higher I notice something… what is an island surrounded by? Of course, it’s a beach and the sea – even writing that down brings out the tears – Claire loved the sea, she felt alive by the sea she wants to be laid to rest by the sea.

Learning 2: As that lonely island I am in fact surrounded by Claire. If I keep that picture in my mind, even though it makes me cry, I feel the love and warmth of her all around me.

Today will be a little brighter.