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There’s no fitting title

I’m really starting to notice that Claire shaped hole in my life now. She died just over a month ago and it really feels like it!

We’re coping pretty well with the practical stuff, the kids are mucking in and our families have been great, it’s the ‘loss’ stuff that is really hard to deal with.

I guess I’ve never really experienced loss quite like this before, most other emotions (it seems to me) we get a taste of throughout our lives – anger, fear, sadness etc we all get a little taste of – but loss we only ever experience when we’re ‘in’ that situation fully.

When I wake up in the morning I feel it. In recent years (since I stopped at the lab) Claire got up before me, so I’m used to waking up in an empty bed… but I used to look forward to coming down stairs and seeing her smile at me.

In the middle of the day, when I’m sitting in my office overlooking the road, I could see her when she pulled up in the car outside after work. I used to look forward to her waving at me as she got out the car.

In the early evening, I often used to sit upstairs and watch telly and pop down to find Claire watching Coast or Escape to the Country or Homes Under the Hammer or some other seaside/property program – now I don’t bother, I just sit in my bedroom thinking.

Of course I miss her all the time, but there are certain times of the day when it really digs, and living here, in this house, those old habits and constant reminders are prodding me almost every second of every day – and those prods are sharp and painful.

Where is this blog post going? I’ve no idea, but I needed to write that down so I am aware of when the feeling’s gone… or at least reduced!

I watched ‘The Kings Speech’ the other day – that was not nice. Claire and I wanted to see it at the cinema, but life overtook us and we never made it. We then decided we’d wait until the DVD came out and watch it then, but life overtook us and we never made it. We then thought we’d watch it on TV – it was on a few months ago and we recorded it, but life overtook us and we never made it.

I was then browsing the recorded programs and found it. It was really strange watching it without Claire – I mean, it’s only a film but it just seemed wrong. Claire was supposed to be there as I watched it… just like she is supposed to smile at me in the morning, wave at me from the car and be watching Coast in the evening. But she wasn’t and the sharp dig that I got still hurts.

Unfortunately with this post I can’t think of anything positive to say, we just need time I guess!

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POSTSCRIPT

On re-reading this I found a spelling mistake. I type pretty fast and most of the time I’m not thinking about which key to press, I’m thinking about the words to say. With that ‘unconscious’ typing I made a spelling mistake… or at least my unconscious typing made a mistake – and that mistake was in the first line. Instead of writing ‘…Claire shaped hole …’ I originally wrote ‘…Claire shaped whole …’ – perhaps my unconscious knows something I don’t.

Today I’m going to let my unconscious mind notice what it needs to notice in order for that hole to be whole.